Just Say It
by Mesilla
Summary: C/O speculation based on spoilers and what I hope happens.  Starts at the end of episode 8.17.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing. If I did Owen would never have a shirt on.**

"Just say it."

"I'm not cheating on you with Emily."

"OK."

"But I did cheat on you."

Cristina stared at him. Tears silently fell down her face increasing as the seconds ticked on. Owen held her gaze while willing his tears to stay where they were.

"I-I just…" Owen was struggling to convey what he wanted to say. There was so much to say after months of bottling up his feelings that he had no idea where to start, "I- I think that I just-"

"I have to go." Cristina cut him off.

She got up from the bed walked to their closet and grabbed the first bag she saw, it was Owen's army pack, "_Too freaking bad," _she thought.

She couldn't be here right now. She felt the walls closing in on her. As she started to grab clothes haphazardly she quickly brushed her tears from her eyes. _"Damn it you are not going to let him see anymore tears! He doesn't get anymore from you." _

Owen stood in the same place unable to move because he wasn't sure what to do. Should he stop her? If he did he had no idea what he would say. Deep down he was terrified to see her walk out, but he was just too hurt to stop her. He placed a hand on the bed to stabilize himself as the room was beginning to spin slightly.

Cristina balanced the bag on the dresser as she reached for her underwear drawer. As she was shoving her fist into the bag for the third time, it fell to the ground, emptying its contents everywhere.

"Damn it!" Cristina exclaimed as she instantly bent down to pick up scattered items. In the process her head hit the dresser with a hard _**crack.**_

The sound got Owen's attention and he walked over to her and crouched down.

The pain from her head broke the dam in the corners of her eyes and she gave up trying to be strong. She sat in a pile on the floor and began to sob, burying her head in her hands.

Owen had no idea what to do. His first instinct was to take her into his arms. Hold her close and take her pain away. But this time he was the cause, and he had no idea what to do. So he cautiously placed his hand on her shoulder.

"That sounded pretty bad, let me have a look." he spoke quietly, gently.

Cristina heard him but was crying so hard that attempting to respond would have been futile. So she said nothing and kept her face buried in her hands.

Minutes passed and their positions on the floor stayed the same.

"I want to make sure you don't have a concussion…just…here let me…" he attempted to carefully peel her left hand from her face.

"Do NOT touch me." Cristina had found her voice. It was weak but it was there.

Owen placed his hands up as if to show innocence and stood up.

Cristina tried to dry her tears with her sleeves, but they were already soaked. She grabbed one of the shirts that had fallen out of the bag. It was one of Owen's green skivvy shirts left over from his days in the military. As she dried her eyes she smelled him on it and the sobbing resumed.

Owen was at a loss. He felt so torn apart inside. He didn't know what to do. He turned and walked into the kitchen, filled a baggy with crushed ice and wrapped it in a paper towel. He returned to her side, crouched down and placed the cool bag on her shoulder.

"Here, just…at least put this on your head."

Her hands moved away from her face as she grabbed the bag and placed it on her forehead. She turned her body and leaned back against the dresser. The anger was still inside her, still burning through her, yet she found the strength to meet his eyes.

Owen's eyes had been shiny throughout this ordeal. But seeing the agony that his wife, _his person_ was in was too much for him to bear. His tears feel silently.

"I know you don't want me anywhere near you right now, but I am worried about you. I am going to sleep on the couch. OK? Tomorrow I will go somewhere else, but I want to make sure you are alright."

Cristina didn't say anything as she let her eyes drift back to the floor.

Owen grabbed a pillow from the bed and went into the closet to grab a spare blanket. As he walked past her he resisted the temptation to touch her in some way.

He went into their living room and sat down on the couch. First he removed his shoes, shirt, and pants, then he set his watch alarm. It was midnight right now, so he set his watch for 2, 4, and 6 so that he could get up and check on his wife. As he lay down he knew that sleep would not be easy to come by tonight, but he figured he was going to try. After all, sometimes that is all you can do.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Cristina waited until Owen was settled on the couch to get up. When she did she turned off the lights in the apartment and walked into the bathroom.

The hot shower felt good - cleansing, though she couldn't wash the dirty feeling she had on her away.

Hopping out of the shower she reached for the robe on the door. It was Owen's, which made her sadness return with a vengeance.

So much of hers was now his, and so much of his was now hers. The idea that she was losing so much made her chest ache. She remembered when she offered to trade him to Teddy for surgery and he had been so hurt and angry. He told her that they _mattered_. But it didn't seem like that was the case anymore.

Wrapping herself in his robe she tiptoed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen so that she could get a glass of water. Her throat was killing her.

She intentionally ignored the couch on her way into the kitchen, and as she was pouring her glass. But on the way back to her bed she felt the need to stop and stare at the couch. She heard his even breathing and knew that he was sleeping, so she just stared for a few minutes. His body was covered by the blanket, but the moon shining through the window allowed her to see the outline of him.

For a moment she considered curling up with him on the couch. Cuddling with Owen was her favorite stress reliever because it fixed everything. This time was different though, this time…he was the cause of her pain. With that thought, she tore here eyes away from him and carried her glass of water to the nightstand and got into bed still wrapped up in Owen's robe.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Owen startled awake to the sound of his watch alarm. It took him a moment to get his bearings. Then the memories of the past 3 hours came flying back to him. He rubbed his eyes and stood up.

He walked over to the bed and stopped beside a sleeping Cristina. He listened for breath sounds. Satisfied that she was breathing fine he considered going back to the couch. But, he was still concerned about a concussion, so he put a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently.

"Cristina." He whispered.

"Cristina," he tried again a little louder.

"'stina!" he raised his voice.

Her eyes opened. After a second or two she remembered why she was in bed alone and why Owen was waking her up in the middle of the night.

"Does your head hurt?" he asked her as he rummaged around in the drawer of the nightstand for a flashlight?

"Yes." She said quietly.

"I am going to check your pupils." He said as he placed a hand on the back of her head and shined the pen light in one eye, than the other.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"The firehouse." She responded.

"What day is it?"

"March 20th"

"Who am I?"

She said nothing.

"Cristina who am I?" He asked again.

"Dr. Owen Hunt." She exhaled. Her annoyance was apparent. "My head is killing me, I am going to get some drugs."

She swung her feet out of bed and stood up too fast. Her dizzy spell sent her right back into bed.

Owen steadied her with his hand, "Here I will bring you something. Just sit down ok?" He walked into the bathroom and brought back two red pills.

She swallowed them quickly and lay back down.

"I am worried about the dizziness so I am going to wake you again in an hour." He said.

All night he had been focusing on trying to sound irritated to avoid sounding worried. But his voice was beginning to betray him. His guilt and anger were both melding into a feeling of unimaginable pain.

"Whatever."

Judging by her voice, she felt nothing but anger.

If only he knew how wrong he was.

He went back to the couch, set his watch, and lay down.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Cristina awoke to a hand on her shoulder squeezing her gently.

"Cristina?"

She rubbed here eyes gently, avoiding the nasty knot on her forehead. As soon as she was done the penlight shined in both eyes, one at a time.

"Where are you?"

"Owen, I am fine. You can stop waking me up and just let me sleep."

"Just answer the question."

"Owen! Just…leave me the hell alone."

"Not until you answer my question!"

"Fine! It is zero dark thirty in the morning on March 20th. I am at the firehouse with my **cheating bastard of a husband**." Her voice got louder as she continued to talk.

Owen looked down at the floor and mumbled a sad, "Good night then."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

He turned off all the alarms on his watch, returned to his makeshift bed, and tried to fall back asleep.

As was custom, Owen awoke before Cristina and got ready for work. She didn't wake up until he was preparing breakfast.

When he saw her move from the bed he said to her "Do you want some-"

But he was interrupted as the door to the bathroom slammed shut.

"-breakfast." He finished.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

"He WHAT?"

"Cheated on me." Cristina said evenly. As she walked into the McDreamy house.

"With…" Meredith prompted.

"Don't know. Not the sunshine nurse though. Someone else."

"I will kill him." Meredith said, as she took Cristina by the hand and pulled her into the house. "I will strap him to the OR table and take his heart out while he is still awake."

"Hmmm." Cristina sat on the arm of the couch and looked bored.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Can I stay here for a while?" Cristina asked while she was looking at the floor.

"Of course, do you want me to come with you to get your stuff?"

Cristina bit her lip in thought, "Maybe after my shift? Are you off today?"

"Yeah, we are taking Zola to the Zoo. But we will be home by 5. You get off at 8 right?"

Cristina nodded.

"OK, let me just go tell Derek that I need him to take care of Zola tonight."

Meredith walked up the stairs and into their bedroom.

"Is that Cristina?" Derek asked as he came out of the bathroom, his hair done perfectly as usual.

"Yeah, she just came over to tell me that Owen _cheated_ on her."

"Hunt did what?"

"Cheated on her, she doesn't even know with who! The worst part is that I don't even know if she cares. She is just sitting on the couch looking at the floor. It's sad!"

"Hmm… wow. Never thought Hunt was _that_ guy."

"Yeah well it doesn't surprise me at all," Meredith announced, "but I need you to watch Zola for me tonight while I help Cristina pack. She is going to stay here for a while."

Derek smiled because he knew that was the only thing he could do. " OK."

"Thank you," Meredith kissed him quickly and turned as if to walk away before she stopped, "Oh and Derek?"

"Yes Dear."

"If you ever cheat on me, I'll kill you." She deadpanned.

"Yes Dear." Derek replied as he kissed her softly.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Cristina got through the first part of her day with no incidents. In fact, she didn't even have to see her cheating bastard of a husband. Plus she got to scrub in on two amazing cardio surgeries and Teddy was on her way to harvest a heart for a transplant tonight. Nothing like blood and guts to help pass the time.

_Beep beep beep_

She glanced at her pager. The Pit.

"_Spoke to soon_," She thought.

"On my count 1, 2, 3….let's get a CBC type and cross," Owen rattled off as he listened to the patients heartbeat, "and page cardio."

"Altman is in transit to San Francisco to pick up a heart for a transplant this evening." Nurse Emily informed him.

"The resident on call then," he said as he continued to work.

Two minutes later Cristina came through the door, "What do you have?"

"53 year old man MVA, blunt trauma to the chest and abdomen."

After a quick assessment she looked at Owen and said, "So is there a reason we haven't brought him up to the OR yet?" Her voice was laden with sarcasm…and it was not received well.

"So transporting an unstable patient is a good idea Yang? Guess I missed that day somewhere in my 16 years of training." Owen bit back.

"Well you were probably busy doing other things," Cristina lashed back, "or other people." She muttered quietly.

But he heard.

"That is it. Out." He said, "you have no decency and you are completely devoid of compassion and professionalism. Get out of my pit."

She didn't need to be told twice, "Yes sir, which resident would you like me to send in? Kepner is single, so is Lexie…although I guess that wouldn't really matter to someone like you would it?"

With that she stormed out of the room.

His hands froze, the others in the trauma room looked incredibly uncomfortable. He finished the temporary repair to stabilize the patient and called Karev to supervise the transfer to the OR.

"I'll be 5 minutes behind you," he promised the young surgeon.

He walked off to find Cristina. He poked his head into the basement hallway, but she wasn't there, nor was she in the vent room. He ran to check the resident's lounge and he found her there with Meredith, who glared at him as he entered the room.

"Give us the room?" he looked at Meredith.

"Not a chance," she shot back as she kept a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Meredith," Cristina spoke, "It's ok."

"I'm not leaving." Meredith announced emphatically as she stood between them with her arms folded.

"Dr. Grey," Owen hissed angrily as he stepped forward, "Leave. Now."

"You don't scare-"

"Meredith," Cristina stood up and pushed her toward the door, "just go."

"Fine," she started to leave, "but I will stay just outside this door…and if I hear anything strange I swear to god-"

"Just GO!" Owen snapped his head around and yelled.

Meredith was taken back by his outburst. She had never seen him this angry. She left, but as promised stayed just outside the door.

"Who in the hell do you think you are?" he spoke quietly.

Cristina looked up, "Obviously I have misestimated my importance in your life."

Owen rolled his eyes, "You know what I am talking about."

Cristina looked as his eyes, then back down. "I was out of line."

"Damn right you were. What in the hell were you thinking?" He paced around the room.

Cristina returned to her seat on the bench in front of her locker. She turned her back to him and said, "I wasn't thinking. I was feeling."

Owen scoffed, "Nice timing to let those caged creatures come out and play." He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, "What the hell am I supposed to do Cristina?"

"Nothing," came her immediate reply, "just- nothing."

He sat down on the same bench facing the opposite way. He took a deep breath before he spoke, "I know I hurt you. I know it was wrong, and unfair and…just…terrible. I know all that. But Cristina it meant nothing, it was just sex."

She looked up at him her eyes wide, "Just sex?"

He nodded, and now it was his turn to look at the ground, "JUST SEX?" she repeated.

"I know how that sounds-"

"No, you know what it is my turn to talk now." She stood up and walked around the bench so that she was standing over him. "SEX was never our problem!"

He kept looking at the ground.

"You look at me! Give me that at least!" He acquiesced to her request and she continued.

"We have great sex Owen. Amazing sex. I have never in my life had so much awesome, mind blowing, unbelievable sex. So THAT is NOT the problem. The problem is that is ALL WE DO!"

As she continued her tears from last night returned, "We have great sex…what we don't have is a connection. We don't connect anymore Owen. So when you say it was just sex, I don't believe you. I know you Owen, you do not need a lot. You do not believe in excess. You are the kind of man who takes only what he needs. So Owen, it couldn't have been just sex."

"Are you finished?" He asked calmly with his hands in his lap.

She nodded.

"It was just sex," He repeated, "we have not touched each other in months. I just needed to feel something," he paused, "other than pain."

Cristina felt her legs giving out and she sat down right on the floor in front of him. Tears still falling.

"I-" he continued, "it was wrong. I am sorry."

She looked up, " I hurt you badly when I had the abortion."

His eyes met hers and he nodded.

"We just seem to keep hurting each other," she continued, "Therapy doesn't seem to be helping."

He nodded again.

"So… I am moving in with Meredith."

He looked at her, his face full of pain. Taking a deep breath he said "No, the firehouse is your home, I can stay with my mom."

She shook her head and focused on the small dots on the carpet, "You know the only reason I bought that place was because you loved it. It wasn't for me."

His face began to turn red and his eyes glossed over.

"I will be out of there tonight, so…"

"Do you want me to help?" he asked quietly.

"No."

"OK."

"OK."

**This is my first fanfic in almost 6 years...so any and all reviews are appreciated! I have the next few parts done and will post them faster if there are reviews! **

**Also, clearly I don't have a Beta...so if you are interested let me know! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing and make no money. :)**

**Thank you to those of you who reviewed! I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this, but reviews get me excited. :) **

**Hopefully you enjoy this part! **

"Are you taking these?" Meredith asked.

"No, those are Owen's," Cristina replied.

"Right, but they are in your drawer." She argued.

Cristina sighed, "He puts them there because he knows I like to sleep in his shirts when he is not home. Just…leave them. OK?"

Meredith put the pile of shirts back into the drawer. "Anything else?"

Cristina gave the apartment a once over.

"No, that's all I need."

"Wow. Two duffle bags and one box, you are a minimalist that is for sure." Meredith tried to joke as she and Cristina descended the stairs.

After loading the bags and box into the back of Mere's car Cristina suddenly said, "Crap I forgot something. Stay here, I will be right back."

She ascended the stairs alone. Walking over to Owens nightstand she pulled out an envelope with his name on it. She set it on the surface. Then she slid off her rings, one by one, and placed them on top of it.

Exhaling, she turned to walk away, but not before grabbing one last thing…

* * *

><p>Owen stayed at the hospital as long as he could. He wanted to avoid coming home. As much as he was angry with Cristina, and as hurt as he was…he didn't want her to leave.<p>

He knew he messed up, he knew she deserved better, but he also knew that if he had to watch her leave he would try and stop her. And that…well that wouldn't help anyone.

She was right, they were miserable together. Since the day they went to counseling, he could not bring himself to speak openly. He had been so hurt by the fact that she wouldn't even give him a reason that she didn't want children, that he clammed up into an emotional stone. She kept trying to reach him, but in his mind it was too late. Her chance to talk had come and gone and she had watched it fly past her.

As he ascended each stair he thought of the actions that had brought them to this place:

She denied him a choice.

He kicked her out.

She had the abortion anyway and he held her hand.

He put her in an impossible professional situation.

She lied to him and laughed at him.

He screamed, "You killed our baby!" in front of their friends.

She begged him not to hate her.

They went to counseling.

He cheated on her.

As he reached the loft he felt more than ready for a drink.

He walked over to the fridge and got a beer. As he was about to open it he decided that tonight was a whiskey night. Putting the beer back in the fridge he went about pouring himself a generous 3 fingers worth of Jack Daniels.

He walked to their bedroom to his side of the bed, sat down and stared at the wall. As he slowly brought the whiskey to his lips he had a memory hit him like a lightning bolt.

"_Welcome Home!" She said as she popped the cork on the bottle of champagne. "It's ours. We bought it – well I bought it but it's for the both of us."_

_Owen walked over to her slowly with a confused look on his face._

"_I don't know what to say…"_

"_Our house has a fire pole in it what else is there to say?"_

"_You said this morning-"_

"_I don't care where we live. I really don't. But you do. You love this place… and I love you. "_

As his mind drifted back to reality the memory of his reaction was in the front of his mind. He had kissed her senseless that night. Giving everything he could the best way he knew how.

That night was more than the first night in their new home, that night turned a page in their relationship. Cristina had taken a leap of faith. To most people it wouldn't seem like a leap, but he knew what a big step it was.

Only a couple weeks before she had handed Owen her wedding ring in tears because she was so afraid of losing herself. That day she was putting her name on a document that tied them together. A mortgage may not be romantic to some, but Owen felt touched by it.

Only, he couldn't tell her how happy it made him. He lacked the words and the eloquence. So he had kissed her instead. Willing his lips and hands to convey his love and appreciation. After all, actions speak louder than words. Right?

But that night was a lifetime ago. Before the abortion, before the disrespect, before the fighting, and before the cheating.

He took a long swig of whiskey and squinted as the liquid burned his throat.

Something on the nightstand caught his attention. It was an envelope with his name on it, written in familiar handwriting. On top of the envelope were two small white gold rings.

Setting his whiskey down, he gently moved the rings aside and picked up the envelope and opened it slowly.

Inside there was a business card and a piece of paper. He set the card aside and began to read:

_Owen,_

_This woman is a lawyer who can represent both of us. You can have whatever you want. I want this to be over quickly. Text me if you want me to make an appointment._

_Cristina_

He picked up the business card. It read:

Josafina Diaz

Attorney at Law

Family Law - Divorce – Child Custody

The cheating.

After everything they had been through: the choking, Teddy, the abortion, the mockery… the cheating was going to be how their story ended.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and composed a text message.

Then he went to the kitchen to pour himself more whiskey.

* * *

><p>Cristina and Meredith pulled into Mere's driveway. Meredith put the car in park and got out. Grabbing Cristina's belongings from the back, they made their way into the house. Derek came down the stairs with Zola.<p>

"Hey Cristina," he said, "how are you holding up?"

Cristina dropped her bag and took Zola from him, "Auntie Cristina is doing fiiine," she swung Zola around, "just fine…right baby girl?"

Derek looked at Meredith who looked at him and shook her head.

Derek nodded in understanding, "Well, I think I am going to grab a drink with Mark and let you three ladies do girly things."

Meredith glared at him, "What? I thought Mark was on call tonight."

Derek turned around, "Um well…I guess not. Cause we are going…out….for a drink." He was turning red and Mere knew there was more to the story, but her husband was not her biggest concern right now.

Cristina, still holding Zola, took her chubby arm and waved to Derek, "Say bye-bye daddy! Bye-Bye."

Zola smiled and Derek kissed her cheek, then Meredith's, then gave Cristina a squeeze on her shoulder.

"I won't be too late!" He said as he walked out the door.

Derek threw his car into park, walking up to the door and turned the knob. It was unlocked. As he ascended the stairs he heard a guitar being strummed. He intentionally made his feet fall harder on the last flight of stairs as too not surprise the occupant.

"Hunt?"

Owen stopped his strumming and looked up from his corner on the couch, "Shep?"

"So…at least you made it six months huh?"

"I see you got my text message." Owen stood up and carried his whiskey glass over to the breakfast bar, put it on the counter and grabbed another for Derek.

"Was that the whiskey typing or were you serious?"

Owen didn't respond, but handed Derek the glass of whiskey and walked into the bedroom, returning with a paper, a business card, and two rings.

"I know about the cheating." Derek held his hand up as if to say he didn't need to read the note.

Owen picked up his whiskey drained his glass and placed it down hard on the counter.

"I fucked up, Shep. I really fucked up." Owen looked down at the empty glass, "Have you…have you seen her? Is she alright?"

"I saw her a few minutes ago. She's…holding up pretty well. Brought a bunch of stuff with her so I am assuming that she is staying." Derek paused, "She's hurting, she doesn't want anyone to see…but she is hurting."

"She's furious." Owen argued.

"No, she is hurt," Derek sipped his whiskey and grabbed a stool to sit on, "Cristina is not exactly emotionally healthy if you haven't noticed."

Owen scoffed and nodded.

Derek continued, "Every emotion she has she immediately tries to hide, and what she hides behind is anger."

"She announced my cheating to an entire trauma room today." Owen said, "I am pretty sure that is anger, pure and simple."

Derek raised his eyebrows, "That is what the text was about? She berated you so you are resigning?"

Owen nodded, "That is part of it. Then there is the part where a resident had to take the lead on one of my trauma patients because I was too busy fighting with my wife to scrub in." he signed, "The last part is that I know that my life is going to be shattered for a while…and I am going to need real work to bury myself in, not paperwork."

"Fair enough." Derek said as he took a long sip, "but you need to trust me on this. Cristina is hurt. I know because I know her…I have known her even longer than you and have seen her react to many situations using anger instead of sadness. Also," he paused trying to find the right words, "I have been her."

Owen looked up with his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, uh my first wife Addison cheated on me."

Owen nodded as if that had jogged his memory, "With Sloan right?"

"Right," Derek continued, "so I have felt the betrayal, the anger, the hurt…it messed me up for a long time."

"You two tried to make it work after that didn't you?" Owen asked.

Derek nodded, "Yeah, to no avail. By that point I was head over heels in love with Meredith. The love between Addison and I was gone way before the cheating ever happened."

Owen nodded and looked down again, spinning his glass with his finger, "She wants a divorce." He pushed the paper toward Derek.

Derek glanced at it then asked, "Well, what do you want."

Owen smiled in spite of himself, "Her."

He pushed himself off the stool and started pacing, "I just want her, and…" he took a deep breath, "kids…I want kids. I want a life, a family. I want stories to tell and grandchildren to tell them to."

Derek frowned, "I don't think that is what she wants Owen."

Owen nodded and continued to pace, "I know. That is what this is all about isn't it? The fact that I thought she would change her mind…I thought that _I_ could change her mind…and that was one thing she told me never to do. I love her so much that I wanted to believe that she could change."

He walked back over to the counter, "I have to let her go. She deserves a life that she wants. I have been selfish."

Derek maintained his frown but shook his head, "Owen you were not being selfish. You are just in love. Real love is blinding and all consuming…to the point where you don't look to the future because you are so enamored with the present."

Owen sat back down on the stool and buried his head in his hands. "I love her, can you just…if there is ever a time when you think she needs to hear that, I want you to tell her, OK?"

"OK."

"And you can have the Chief position, I don't want it." Owen lifted his head up.

"Hell no. I am going to shove that off on Mark." Derek smirked and sipped the last of his whiskey, "It'll be fun to watch."

The men shared a smile.

* * *

><p>A week had passed since Owen's revelation. He had informed the board of his intention to step down. They were disappointed but understanding. When Owen recommended Mark as his replacement they were very receptive and asked Owen to do a proper turn over of duties over the next two weeks.<p>

Cristina had mostly avoided him, however it wasn't always possible. When they did meet, she was professional and courteous, but she never made eye contact. When she was close, the smell of her hair burned his nostrils and stung his eyes. She always used this citrusy conditioner. He loved it and always took the opportunity to bury his nose in it, but that was before.

Today was a slow day. Sloan was covering all of the chiefly duties and Owen was there merely as a consultant. He took a minute to stand in the middle of the catwalk and look out over the lobby. It wasn't his hospital anymore, but that was ok. It was in good hands.

"Hey," a small hand touched his shoulder and made him jump. He turned to see his wife before him and withheld his desire to reach out and pull her to him.

"Dr. Yang," he said as upbeat as possible, "what can I do for you?"

"Um, you never answered me about that lawyer. I checked your schedule and you are done at 1:00 on Mondays right?" she said quietly as she lean against the rail and looked out the window.

"Yes," he replied as he copied her pose.

"I made an appointment with the attorney for 2:30 today," she stopped to inhale slowly. "I just want to be done with this whole mess before I have to take my boards, you know?"

He felt a sharp pain in his chest, _"She thinks of us as a mess."_ he felt himself die a little on the inside. He gave himself a few seconds to gather strength and said, "That's fine. Should I meet you there?"

She nodded, "That's fine."

"Ok, see you there. It's uh…," Owen paused, "on Clark right? Across from that pizza joint you like so much?"

"Yeah," she allowed herself a small grin, "yeah…the one where you can draw on everything."

Owen pushed himself away from the railing and gave her a sad look.

"So I guess I'll see you there," and she was gone before he could respond.

* * *

><p>At 2:00 Owen pulled up to the building that housed the attorney. He knew he was early, but he was afraid if he detoured anywhere after work he would convince himself not to come. Lose he nerve, so to speak.<p>

It was a beautiful sunny day in Seattle, so he decided to take a small stroll. He walked along the street until he got to a park. It was more like a courtyard but it was beautiful. He walked over to a bench and sat down to people watch.

After a few minutes he heard a familiar voice, "Punctual as usual I see."

He squinted as he looked up to see Cristina, "Well, you know me."

She nodded, "Yeah, I do," she walked over to him, "Can I sit?"

He scooted over, "Of course."

She sat down and silence ensued for a time. It was a comfortable silence though, neither felt an overwhelming desire to leave.

"I need to know," Cristina said.

"Know what?" Owen asked.

"Everything," she stated, "Who she was, where it happened, what you did…all of it."

He shook his head and exhaled "Cristina-"

"Owen, please."

And there it was, the eye contact that he had been thirsting for. Only it was not a refreshing drink of water, but a deserted field. The life in her eyes was gone, and it was his fault.

He sighed and began, "It was a Wednesday night. I had a patient I had worked on from a car accident. She came in with a friend. Her friend was 25, blond, pretty…" he stopped.

"Go on," she urged.

He looked at her with anguish, but continued anyway, "she hugged me when I came and told her that her friend would be ok and then she asked if she could buy me a drink."

He shifted uncomfortably as he continued, "We had more than one, I was…very very drunk. I walked her to her car and I kissed her."

Owen stopped and looked at Cristina, "I wish I could take it back."

Cristina ignored his last statement, "There's more, right? I want to hear it all."

Owen inhaled slowly, deeply _"She needs to hear this, it is how she will get past it."_ He thought to himself before he continued.

"It got," he searched for the right word, "heated. Um…from what I remember we…we uh…got into her backseat. It was rushed, fast, really fast…" he paused and looked at her. She was listening intently while staring out across the street.

He took a deep breath, "We both finished and I started to feel awful, I don't know if it was the sex, the alcohol, the guilt, but…well I opened the car door and vomited."

Her eyebrows raised and she looked at him in question.

He nodded, "Then, well…then I went into the hospital, slept it off in an on call room."

She waited for him to speak again. When he didn't she said, "What was her name."

Owen spoke softly, "I don't remember."

Cristina looked down, "Did you wear a condom."

His mouth dropped open as he turned toward her. She brought her eyes to meet his, and they were pleading for an answer that he couldn't give.

"I don't remember."

That had been furthest from his mind. He had no idea if he had or hadn't.

Cristina rocked back and forth on the bench as she stood up. "I am going to head in."

"I'll be right behind you," he said. But he gave her a head start to get in front of him so that she could have her privacy before he followed.

"Hello, we have an appointment with Ms. Diaz. I am Cristina Yang, Owen Hunt is right behind me, he's just parking."

The secretary smiled sweetly and looked passed Cristina "You are Owen?" she questioned the man who came in the door.

"I am," he nodded. He stopped just behind Cristina.

"Well, Ms. Diaz sends her regrets that she will not be able to meet with you today. She has been called out of the office on an emergency at the last minute. She does have 3 openings tomorrow," the secretary looked up hopefully.

Cristina sighed, "Unfortunately I will be our of town for the next week," she looked back at Owen, "when do you want to reschedule?"

He stepped up to the counter next to her. _Never._ "Ummm, same time a week from today?" he asked the secretary and looked at Cristina. They both nodded.

"Perfect! Thank you very much. See you then."

Cristina walked out of the building quickly. Owen followed behind her. When she noticed he was following her she only walked faster.

"Cristina, wait!" he called after her.

She didn't stop, she didn't look back. So he ran.

"Cristina," he grabbed her arm but she shook him off.

He grabbed again, more firmly this time and placed his body in front of hers. Her eyes were full of unfallen tears.

He did the only thing he knew, he held her close. She fought his embrace shoving him away from her and hitting his chest, but he didn't move. And eventually, right there,in the middle of the sidewalk in Seattle, Owen Hunt held his wife close as she cried. He rocked her slowly back and forth, and after a time he realized that she was still clinging to him, he picked her up and walked to his truck.

**Please review if you have time! I like reading them! **

**Those of you wanting an explanation about Cristina's behavior, don't worry. It's coming. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow! Thanks for all the reviews. Glad most of you like it...my main goal is to try and write something realistic. I am not trying to write either character as the one to blame. It is so much more complicated than that, I feel. At this point I feel like I am about half way through where I would like to be. Keep the reviews and suggestions coming! :)**

He pulled up to the curb in front of Meredith's house, and out of habit ran around the truck to open Cristina's door. But she was already walking to the house by the time he got there. So he followed behind her.

She stopped at the door, turned and said, "Thank you for the ride."

"Your…welcome."

She opened the storm door and took a step in. He stopped her by grabbing her wrist, "Hey-"

She stopped and turned, "Good luck this week, and have a safe flight. Ok?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

He forced a smile as he let her hand drop.

Cristina walked into the house and ran into Meredith who was coming out of the kitchen, "Was that Owen I heard?"

"Yeah," Cristina said as she laid down on the couch, "I feel like crap."

"What were you doing with him?" Meredith accused.

"Nothing Mere just…just leave it alone."

"No Cristina I will not, I won't let you do this to yourself again. He hurt you, you can't just-"

"He brought me home from our divorce appointment alright?" Cristina didn't even open her eyes when she spoke, "He brought me home because I broke down in the middle of the street."

"Oh," was all Meredith could say. She sad down on the couch next to Cristina's feet, "So are you like officially divorced?"

Cristina shook her head, "Had to reschedule."

Meredith squeezed her friends ankle in support, "Oh…well cheer up. We leave tomorrow for San Francisco!"

Cristina opened her eyes and looked at Meredith, "I will never love anyone the way I love him. It kills me to think of life without him. To think of getting to any of these milestones I have in my head without him…seems worthless. It's like," she paused, "If he won't be there, I don't even care."

"Cristina, stop!" Meredith exclaimed, "The man choked you, kicked you out of your house, and cheated on you. I think it is safe to say that Owen Hunt is chauvinistic asshole who is not worth your time and tears."

"He also took a bullet for me and helped me through the darkest time of my life. Not to mention the fact that he held my hand while I killed his hopes and dreams," Cristina argued.

"Yeah, and he was totally fine with that until he screamed at you in my kitchen 3 months later!"

"Meredith don't you get it? We both suck!" Cristina sat up and looked her friend in the eyes, "He cheated on me and that is why I am divorcing him, but I am not blameless! Decisions I made have helped bring us to this point…and THAT is why I am crying."

She took a deep breath as she continued, "He is the first person in my life that I needed. And now- now I can't be with him and it is killing me. For once I need someone...and I can't have him because it would make everything worse."

Meredith waited a moment before responding, "You are doing the right thing, you'll see. You'll be happy again. Promise."

Cristina looked at her friend and forced her lips to turn up in a tight smile, "Thanks."

Derek was standing on the stairs and heard the exchange. His eyes met his wife's as Meredith kept a hand on her friend for support. He knew that Owen still loved his wife, and Cristina was a mess without her husband, but he was no matchmaker. It wasn't his business. Still, he pulled out his phone and sent a text.

* * *

><p>Cristina boarded the plane to Seattle with Meredith and sat down. It had been a long week of testing and interviewing. Long, but good. Cristina passed her boards with flying colors, and had several fellowship offers to choose from. Mass Gen, Cleveland Clinic, Mayo, and University of Chicago had all offered her a space. She accepted none of them, but she had not turned them down either. After all, she had a couple weeks to decide. Maybe her life was going to turn out all right after all.<p>

The flight was bumpy, so Cristina and Meredith partook in a few glasses of wine each.

"I hate flying," Cristina complained.

Meredith agreed, "I know I mean…what is that about anyway? These things weigh like a bagillion pounds and they launch them into the air. Stupid."

"What are you going to do?" Cristina asked, "Fellowship or find an attending position?"

"Well, I have Derek, and Zola, and the new house is almost finished. So I think I will take whatever I can to stay in Seattle." She answered, "You?"

Cristina shook her head, "No idea. I don't think it really matters you know?"

Meredith laughed, "Of course it matters, you are just drunk right now!"

"No." Cristina argued quietly, "It really doesn't matter."

Meredith looked at her friend and waited for her to continue.

"Mere I lost the only thing I want. The rest of it is just work. I still find joy in it, but that joy is temporary," she lay her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, "I can't work 24 hours a day even if I wanted to. So at the end of the day I will be alone," she sighed and turned to look at her friend, " and it doesn't really matter if I am alone in Chicago, Boston, or Cleveland. I will still be alone."

There was a pause as what she said was digested by both women.

" Are you sure you are Cristina Yang?" Meredith joked trying to lighten the mood. She was rewarded with a small smile from her friend, "You have to have an idea of what you are going to do." she insisted.

Cristina just shrugged and turned to look out the window. The Space Needle was in view, they were home.

* * *

><p>Cristina and Meredith walked along the carousels in search of their flight number. "Let's grab our bags. Derek is probably circling, let me call him." Mere walked away as she pulled out her phone.<p>

Cristina watched the red light flash indicating that the carousel was starting. She watched the bags come out and looked for her's and Meredith's.

"He and Zola parked and are coming in," she smiled, "I missed them." Fixing her frizzy hair she asked Cristina, "How do I look?"

Cristina smiled and looked at her friend. Mere had frizzy hair, wrinkled clothes, and smelled like an airplane, but she was smiling, "You look beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you," the voice came from her right side and she turned to see Owen, "no one is."

She felt like she had been punched in the gut when she looked at him. He was wearing his trademark brown jacket and jeans and he looked wonderful. Like an oasis in the middle of the desert she felt drawn to him. She took a couple steps toward him and he did the rest.

Scooping her up in his arms he held her to him as tightly as he could. One arm wrapped around her back, the other cradling her head.

"I still love you," Cristina whispered into the collar of his jacket.

He kissed the side of her neck and buried his face in her hair, letting his tears fall into it.

They were still like that when Zola and Derek appeared. Derek kissed his wife and Zola toddled over to her mom with her hands up. "Up!" she said.

Meredith smiled and obliged the happy child then she used her head to indicate a direction and said, "You see this?"

Derek looked over and saw Hunt's jacket and Cristina's hair. He grinned and nodded. "Good for them."

Meredith's mouth fell open, "Derek, he cheated on her, choked her, and kicked her out of her house! You of all people should know what it is like to be cheated on! Not to mention the other crap he has pulled."

"So?" Derek responded with a smile.

"So? That's the best you have?" she smacked him lightly, "How did he even get our flight information."

Derek smiled inwardly as he took Zola from Meredith and grabbed her bag that was coming around on the carousel. "Shall we?" he gestured toward the door.

"I'm not leaving without her," Mere stopped and looked at Derek defiantly.

Derek dropped the luggage and turned to face Meredith. His smile was gone and his eyes were serious, "Were you not there in the living room last week when she confessed her love for him? Have you not noticed that he is a wreck? What do you want from her Meredith? Because it seems to me that you want her to get rid of Hunt because you don't like him…and it is about time that you heard this:** it is not about you**!"

He paused and lowered his voice back to normal, grabbing her hand he said, "Cristina can take care of herself and you need to let her. Stop trying to influence her," He turned toward the subjects of their conversation who were now speaking in hushed tones, foreheads touching, and arms still around each other. " I think we can go now Meredith, I think we need to."

As Meredith turned to follow Derek out of the airport she took one last glance back and tried to be happy for her friend.

* * *

><p>Owen unburied his face from Cristina's hair and placed his forehead against hers.<p>

"How did it go?" He asked quietly.

"Pretty well, I aced my exams."

"That's my girl," he kissed her forehead, "Mark had every elite hospital in the country call about you this week."

Cristina didn't say anything.

"So where are you going to pick?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"Because you know, you are a candidate for the fellowship here," Owen began.

"Owen-"

"I know this is wrong, I know this is selfish, but I need you to know that I still love you, I still care," he paused, "I had a blood test done yesterday to check for STDs, I haven't got it back yet…"

"Owen-"

"Cristina I wish to God that I could take away what I did, losing you is too much. I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life making up for this – I'll do it."

"Owen stop-"

"Just one more thing," he paused to make sure he got his words right, "I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. You were upfront with what you wanted, I tried to change you…that was wrong. I still want a family, kids, I do I want that. But I want that with you, so if I can't have you then-"

"Owen please," her voice cracked as she begged him to listen, "I can't-"

He didn't say anything, but brought up a hand to gently stroke her hair.

"There is so much wrong with us," she mumbled.

"I know," he responded.

"We tried before, it didn't work," Cristina pushed away slightly and looked him in the eyes.

"I gave it everything I had, and I failed. That has never happened to me before, and it almost killed me Owen."

She took a breath and continued, "I don't fail at things, but I did. I did and I allowed myself to be hurt so badly. I can't do that again."

"What- what are you saying," he closed his eyes and felt a flashback to the time they made love, only to be torn apart minutes later.

"I'm saying I don't think we can work."

"You don't." He repeated evenly.

Cristina shook her head.

Owen felt like his spark of hope had just been doused with water, but he decided to give it one more go.

"Can we give it one more try? I didn't give it my all. But this time- this time I will." His voice cracked and he felt small, but he had to ask. He had too.

After all, sometimes all you can do is try.

Cristina knew what she wanted to say. No, correction she knew what she _needed_ to say. But his arms felt so good, and his skin felt so soft, and she felt so safe, that she stayed silent as long as she could.

"Cristina?" he stroked her hair, "Please."

She found her courage, took a deep breath and pulled her head back to look him in the eyes, "No, Owen."

Owen stepped back and released her arms.

"It is not just about you," she continued as she folded her arms in front of her, "I am furious with you for cheating on me. I feel betrayed and...and cheap, and I want to hate you for making me feel that way. But I can't."

Owen had dropped his head as soon as she had said no, and he was still looking at the ground when he said "You can't what?"

"Hate you. I can't hate you because I love you. I love you so much that I know that I would be taking away everything you want in life," she spread her hands apart, "that huge life you want...you can't have that with me."

"I don't care-"

"Yes, you do," she reached out and stroked his arm, "you do."

He looked up at her and she could see the pain in his face. The same pain that she had seen when she opened her bathroom door after he had choked her in his sleep. The same pain that she had seen when he was standing next to her in that freezing cold room when she terminated her pregnancy.

"I love you," he choked, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," she replied, "but I want you to have your huge life Owen."

"Cristina, without you I have _no_ life!" his hands fell open in front if him, "I have nothing without you, my huge life begins with you."

He took a deep breath and tried his best to reasoning with her, "If we leave here separately what will that solve? Huh? I will be alone, you will be alone, and we will both continue to feel nothing. At least that's what I feel when I am not in pain- I'm numb."

Cristina nodded, "Me too."

She shuffled her feet. Owen spoke, "Would you consider trying counseling again?"

Cristina chuckled softly, "Pretty sure that made it worse last time."

Owen smirked, "Yeah I wasn't a fan of our therapist...forgot he was in the room half the time."

Cristina's smile faded as she said, "Before all this...we had a lot to work through, and we couldn't do it. How are we supposed to do it now? I'm not going to lie...I don't trust you anymore."

She was right, they couldn't do it last time. But last time he hadn't really wanted to regain their footing as a couple, he had wanted to convince her to have a child.

"I'll do better," he pleaded.

She looked at him and gave a sad smile, "Owen, it is not that simple."

"Jake."

Cristina looked at him and squinted her eyes in confusion.

"Or Athena, I know it's a little militant, but I liked it."

She breathed in slowly as what he was saying set in.

"I had these ideas, for names-" he stopped and looked up as if begging for strength, "and I never even got a chance to tell you them," his voice cracked.

Cristina's bottom lip trembled as she inhaled.

"I was so angry with you Cristina, and I didn't want to talk, I wanted to "fix the problem". But you didn't. You wanted to talk," he looked at her again, "and you were right. But I was hurt, and instead of telling you that or getting angry...I tried to fix it by convincing you that you should have a child."

He paused to clear his throat and brush his sleeve over his eyes, "And I can't promise that I will never do that again. I can't promise that because the idea of something that we created out of love for each other...it- it's something that brings me so much joy that I can feel it in my chest."

"But we need to talk," his voice was hoarse, "we need to talk before we quit. We- I need to talk about things before I throw in the towel," he reached for her hands, "I am not ready to let you go."

Cristina rubbed his hands with her thumbs slowly. She barely noticed the tears that were falling. Hell, her face had been wet more often than dry in the past two weeks, whats a few more tears?

But now she finally understood where he was coming from. After all this time, she understood his pain, and it was almost unbearable.

"OK," she whispered as she brought her hands up to gently stroke his face, "we'll talk."

* * *

><p><strong>I could end it there, but the spoilers call for a controversial scene...so I think I am going to try and tackle that too.<strong>

**Review if you have time! I love to read them! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Not sure too many people are still reading this, but I do love reading the reviews (even if you don't like my story)...so keep them coming! :)**

**Tried to lighten things up a little in this one. **

**I don't own anything yada-yada. **

* * *

><p>Owen felt relief wash over him.<p>

Cristina, however, was feeling something else. "But, can we do this talking over food? I haven't eaten much today and I some wine on the plane."

Owen smiled, "Greasy burger and fries?"

"Yes please!" She smiled. It was a genuine smile and it felt good.

* * *

><p>"So her nose started bleeding?"<p>

"Yup, right in the middle of the test," Cristina took a bite of her burger and continued with her mouth full, "and then she goes, 'You're doctors, a little blood shouldn't bother you!' "

"Ha!" he took a sip of his coke, "that's awesome."

"It was," she agreed, "How are things back here?"

"Good, good. Sloan is doing well as chief. My last official day is tomorrow."

Cristina smile vanished as she looked down at her plate and moved some of her fries around, "You ok with that?"

He answered more quickly than either of them expected, "Yes, absolutely."

She raised her eyebrows and waited for him to continue.

"I am not a paper pusher. I lead from the front not the rear. That job was good experience, but I won't miss it."

"You sure?" she asked quietly.

He reached out across the table and touched her fingers as they held her glass, "I am."

She didn't respond right away, but looked down at the table, "It's just..."

He waited patiently and didn't move his hand, "It's ok, go ahead."

"We don't need another thing to hold over each others' head. I know you resigned after that day at the hospital when we fought and-"

"Stop. That is not the only reason," his eyebrows knitted together, "and I am done with the grudges."

She held his gaze and grazed her knuckles against his, "I understand why you have them."

He nodded, "It means a lot to me that you are trying to see things my way...but I want you to know that I am not going to hold a grudge about this," he paused and put his hand over hers, "and I am going to start working through the ones I am holding."

"How?" She asked

That. That was the question. He wasn't ready to answer it, and as much as he had enjoyed spending the last hour with Cristina he felt as if here was walking on thin ice the whole time. Now he'd felt a crack...but he was going to try to keep them both out of the water.

He exhaled, "What...what do you think we should do next? Can we handle this ourselves and come out on top?"

Cristina thought for a moment, "I want to say yes. But I think we probably do need help. Not that moron from before though."

"Right, yeah...not him," Owen agreed, "But what about checking in with Dr. Wyatt? I know she isn't into couple's therapy, but she could at least meet with us and point us in the right direction maybe."

Cristina thought back to the days of Owen's battle with PTSD. When she had gone with him, Dr. Wyatt had helped them see things that they hadn't before. But there was no cheesy _look into each others eyes_ garbage. Dr. Wyatt would be a good place to start.

"Okay," she said simply.

"Okay," he repeated, "I'll call her tomorrow and set up a time."

Cristina nodded and sipped on the rest of her coke. Owen watched her for any signs of doubt, and he didn't see any. Maybe this would help them make a start.

* * *

><p>As the pulled up next to the curb in front of Casa McDreamy, Owen found himself reiterating the same question he had asked several times on the way over.<p>

"Are you sure you don't want to stay at the firehouse? I can go to my mom's, or an on-call room, or even the couch."

"I'm fine here Owen, really," Cristina responded calmly as she undid her seatbelt, "this is a good place for me right now."

"Here I'll uh, walk you to the door."

Owen ran around the car and walked up the path with her. Derek was on the porch turning on the grill, "Hunt!"

"Shep," he nodded at him.

"Stay for a beer and a steak?" Derek asked eagerly.

Owen looked at Cristina who looked away shyly and went inside, "Ahhh I should probably get home..."

"Come on, save me. There's too much estrogen here."

"We just ate din-"

"Room for a beer?"

Owen realized that he was not going to win this and nodded, "Yeah, I'll stay for one. Thanks."

"Great," Derek said, "I could use an opinion about the table I am building. Come on in, we'll get a beer and head into the garage."

Derek walked through the storm door and held it open for Owen.

Meredith was in the kitchen chopping veggies and Cristina was sitting at the counter eating them. Zola was playing in her makeshift play area.

"Grill's warming up, we'll be in the garage." Derek grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge.

"Hi Grey," Owen said.

Meredith ignored him and kept chopping.

Owen took the slight in stride and followed Derek to the garage.

* * *

><p>"Wow."<p>

"Yeah."

"I thought you were bad at building a deck."

"Turns out it's a good thing that I am a brain surgeon and not a carpenter."

"Hm," Owen nodded and took a swig of his beer, "Not sure this patient can be resuscitated."

"That's okay, it was just an excuse. I just wanted to get you out of enemy territory and see how you were doing."

Owen grinned, "That a hobby of yours?"

"Right now, yes. Selfishly I want my happy wife back and our happy _almost_ empty home back. But," he found a pile of wood to lean on, "I also want to make sure you are okay. Been a long week."

Owen nodded, "Yeah it has," he rubbed the back of his neck, "but I think it may get better now."

"Good."

* * *

><p>After Mer ignored Owen, Cristina had joined Zola on the floor. Mer hadn't said two words to her since she walked in the door either. It seems as though her and Owen were being punished.<p>

"What's this? Can you say block? Blo-ck."

"Mamamamamama."

Cristina smiled, "No, say blo-ck."

Zola smiled and grabbed a fistful of Auntie Cristina's hair instead.

"Ouch!" Cristina yelped.

"Ouch." Zola repeated.

Cristina stood up and smiled at the little girl. Then she tried to make conversation with Mer, "Well looks like she has 'ouch' down."

"Is it really going to be this easy Cristina?" Meredith put down her knife and stared at her friend, "He's sorry so it's ok?"

Cristina's anger level was rising, but she fought to keep it at bay. She took a couple deep breaths and spoke.

"Mer, I need you to listen to me. It is so important that you hear everything that I am about to say. Because you are my best friend, my BEST friend, and I know the anger you have is really in defense of me...and I appreciate that, I really do. But Mer this is a problem that Owen and I have to deal with. You can't help, but you can make it worse."

"Cristina you know I don't want you to be unhappy-"

"I know, but...I also know that you have never liked Owen. He has made mistakes. Some of them I haven't forgiven him for, some I may never. But those things happened to me, to us, to me and Owen. Not to you."

"But you are my person-"

"No just...listen. I don't want you to act all fakey fake nice to him nor am I demanding that you like him. I am just asking you to see him for him and not the mistakes he has made."

Mer sighed, "I'll try, I promise."

"Good," Cristina rubbed her temples, "because I am starting to determine that I need more people in my life than I ever thought I did."

Meredith took a couple steps toward her friend and held out her arms, "Hug it out?"

Cristina smiled, "I have a better idea."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for the beer Shep, I better get going."<p>

Derek took his empty bottle from him, "Anytime, I'll walk out with you just let me grab the food for the grill."

The two men walked into the kitchen and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the scene in front of them.

Two women and a baby were dancing wildly to a song on the radio. Mer was bounching and spinning while holding Zola and Cristina was next to her jumping to the beat and making faces at the little girl.

_Black Betty had a child (Bam-ba-Lam)_

_The damn thing gone wild (Bam-ba-Lam)_

_She said, "I'm worryin' outta mind" (Bam-ba-Lam)_

_The damn thing gone wild (Bam-ba-Lam)_

_I said Oh, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)_

_Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)_

"Huh," Owen said.

"Yeah, this is my life," Derek patted Owen's shoulder.

"So you just watch or..."

"Sometimes, but today I need those steaks, so I am going in."

Owen watched as Derek came up behind his wife and put a hand on her hip. He started to reach for the plate of steaks but she took her hand in his instead. They swayed together for a moment and whispered to each other.

Watching their exchange made him feel a pang of jealousy. He was a long way from doing that with his wife...but hopefully, some day he could.

Cristina saw the look in Owen's eyes and recognized it as sadness. She stopped dancing and asked, "Walk you out?"

"Sure, thanks."

They left the two lovebirds in the kitchen and walked through the living room. Owen held the door for her and she muttered a 'thanks' quietly. Once on the porch she reached for his hand and they walked to his truck.

"See you tomorrow?" she said as she released his hand.

"Sounds good."

They both stood there for a moment, Cristina's arms were folded in front of her and Owen's hands were buried in his pockets. The awkward would describe the picture perfectly.

Owen took a deep breathe, "Good Night Cristina," he brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, "take care now."

Cristina leaned into his touch and put her hand on top of his. Owen's thumb slowly stroke her cheek.

"Drive safe," she said as they broke away from each other.

* * *

><p>"So you have already been to marriage counseling?" Dr. Wyatt asked.<p>

"Yes." they said in unison.

"And it didn't work so now you are coming to me?" She stared at them both, "You _do_ realize that one shrink is not the same as any other right? This is nowhere near my specialty."

Owen had been rehearsing his answer for this so he was ready. But before he could speak Cristina did.

"When Owen had his PTSD flare up you helped him. And it wasn't all shrinky crap, you gave him tools...like the three-word sentences. Plus you had us come in together so you could explain things to me too."

Dr. Wyatt nodded, "I did."

"I feel like-" Cristina paused, "like you put us on the same team."

Owen smiled, _Wow, Cristina just used the words 'I feel"._ He thought to himself. His heart swelled in excitement.

Dr. Wyatt nodded, "Owen, what about you? Why do you want to be here?"

"I think I have a lot of feelings that I need to share and I am not even sure what they are, exactly. I have been ignoring them for a long time and I respect the way you helped me claim my feelings last time...and I think I need help doing that again."

"This is an entirely different situation, you understand?" the doctor asked.

"I do," he nodded.

Dr. Wyatt jotted down a few notes and then looked back up at them, "Okay, so today we are going to start from the beginning...tell me about your relationship."

"Like, the challenges or the fights-" Cristina started.

"No, I just want to know about your relationship. How it started, how you felt, why you got married. You know sometimes it is important to talk about those things so that you can understand where-"

"But how is that going the help us?" Cristina's voice was not calm as it had been, but elevated and irritated, "He cheated on me...I killed his baby...we have big problems here! Talking about the cute memories we have is not going to help!"

Owen winced at her words, his excitement from before was gone. This was the Cristina he had been expecting. His first instinct was to roll his eyes and slouch in his chair. However, before he did that, he remembered something that Derek said in his kitchen a few weeks before

_"She is hurting, she doesn't want anyone to see…but she is hurting."_

He took his wife's hand and addressed Dr. Wyatt, "I don't mind talking about _us_ if you think it will help. Besides," he looked at his wife, "I like talking about those 'cute memories."

She looked down at their hands and back up at Owen. Then, she squeezed his hand and settled in for the long haul.

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	5. Chapter 5

**OK...this probably won't happen, but hey...it's my world right. :)**

**Thank you for the reviews! FYI...I usually give myself a number and when I see the reviews have gotten to that number I really kick my butt in gear. So...review please! :)**

**I own nothing!**

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><p>Most of the session passed quickly. Both Cristina and Owen took turns discussing their story. When Owen talked about the choking and how he thought he lost her, Cristina grabbed his hand. When Cristina talked about the shooting, Owen put a supporting hand on her back and moved it in a circular motion slowly. Then came the inevitable.<p>

"Cristina, why did you want to have an abortion?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

Cristina's guard immediately returned as she pushed herself to the far side of the couch, "We have been through this..."

"Not here." Wyatt said.

Cristina paused for a moment and looked at Owen, "I just don't want one."

She knew this was hard for him to hear. His eyes were easy to read.

"But why don't you want one?" Dr. Wyatt continued.

"Because I am a surgeon. That is what I am, that is who I am." Cristina brought her hands to her chest to emphasize her point.

"Hm," Wyatt jotted down something in her notebook, "Where did you say you were doing your fellowship next year?"

"I don't know yet." Cristina answered.

"Well you have a number of excellent choices," Wyatt gestured to her notes, "but clearly Cleveland would be the obvious high card for your career."

Cristina nodded in agreement.

"So why haven't you committed to them?"

Cristina paused.

"Cristina?" Dr. Wyatt persisted.

It was painful for Owen to watch this exchange. He knew it was hard for Cristina to talk about this. So hard that he wasn't even sure she allowed herself to know the answer. He had been there. He had been the one who was supposed to answer questions he didn't know the answer to, and as hard as that had been it was essential to the healing process. But he was stronger than his wife. Proof of that fact happened next.

"You know what? This is stupid. This is dumb. I don't have to explain myself to anyone! I don't want a child! It is that simple. I can't do this-" Cristina stood up.

"Cristina please sit down, we still have 15 minutes left," said Dr. Wyatt.

"No I think I'm done. This is the same conversation we always have. I am not taking the blame for the demise of this relationship, it takes two!"

Now Cristina was pacing and shaking her head. _She's scared_, Owen thought, _that is why she is pacing. She is scared. Classic fight or flight._

Instead of getting angry like he did last time, Owen reached for her hand. She pulled away, but he still spoke in a compassionate voice "Cristina no one is blaming you, we're just asking why."

She stopped pacing and stood in front of him.

"Please," he said, "sit back down."

This time when he reached for her hand she didn't pull away. She sat back down.

She released his hand and sat on "her" side of the couch, hunched forward, face hidden in her hands. She stayed like that for a while. During that time Owen exchanged a few looks with Dr. Wyatt and Dr. Wyatt jotted away on her notepad.

"I just don't know." Cristina spoke.

"About the fellowship or the abortion?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

Cristina's eyes met Owen's as she said, "The abortion."

Dr. Wyatt nodded, "That's fair."

"Is it?" Cristina asked, "Doesn't seem fair to me or to you," she pointed at Owen.

"I just never wanted kids. Never dreamt about them, never thought of names, I just…" she paused, "I never planned on it."

Dr. Wyatt finished writing on her notepad and looked up, "Cristina I think you are being honest with me. I really do. I believe that you do not know why you don't want children. However, there is a reason. It may be insignificant, it may be huge, but I think that if we find out what the reason is…it will help you both move forward."

Owen nodded, he certainly wanted to know the reason.

"We are approaching the end of our session, and we made good progress today. I am going to give you some homework to work on this week. First, when you interact and the other person make you _feel_ something pay attention to it. The act and the feeling, good or bad. Write it down if you have to and we will talk about it next time."

Owen and Cristina both nodded. Cristina was fidgeting with her name badge. _Still nervous,_ Owen thought.

"Second, keep your physical relationship to a minimum. Have you had any physical intimacy since the issues began?"

Cristina looked at Owen and Owen looked down, "Uh…" he began, "_we_ have not been intimate in 12 weeks, my affair happened 6 weeks ago."

Cristina looked down, at her feet.

"But," he continued, "I did receive my STD panel back today and I am clean…so I guess that is good."

Cristina felt the tears building and she looked up so she could try and rally gravity to stop them.

Dr. Wyatt nodded, "In reality you can choose to do whatever you want, but typically couples going through mental and emotional issues should not take solace in physical release. It confuses their emotions even more."

"Right," Owen nodded, "anything else?"

Dr. Wyatt shook her head and stood up, "I think that is plenty, see you both next week."

Cristina's pager went off which she was eternally grateful for. She had no idea what she would say to Owen anyway.

* * *

><p>Cristina took a deep breath as she changed out of her scrubs in the locker room. Her day had been long and tiring. She started at six in the morning with a double bypass, taught a class in the skills lab, covered the pit for Mer so she could have lunch, went to see Dr. Wyatt with Owen, and finished her day with an emergency angioplasty.<p>

It was 10:30 pm, and she was just now getting ready to go home. As she walked out of the locker room she replayed the therepy session in her mind. It went well for the most part. They talked about the beginning; the passion, the understanding, the effort. It had been nice, maybe even wonderful.

But she couldn't answer Wyatt's question about the abortion. She literally couldn't answer. When she thought about it, _really_ thought about it, she thought it may have something to do with her dad. But she always dismissed that thought because it didn't seem to fit in the puzzle. Her mom, well…her mom was crazy, but Cristina was nothing like her mom, so that was out too.

She sighed as she walked into the lobby. It was pouring out when she left for work this morning so she had caught a ride with Mer. But Mer's shift ended hours ago, so she was probably gone. Cristina almost looked for Owen to ask for a ride home, but decided to take the bus instead. She walked out into the rain without even putting a jacket on. The rain felt good.

"Yang!" Karev called out to her.

She turned around, "Yes, Evil Spawn?"

"Sloan needs you to stay, I believe the phrase he used was 'All Hands on Deck.'"

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><p>Owen walked up the stairs to the loft of the firehouse. Hung up his wet jacket and kicked off his shoes. He was exhausted, but he was also pretty hungry. Deciding that as soon as he sat down he probably wasn't going to get back up he immediately started the oven and grabbed a pizza from the freezer. While the oven was preheating he went through the mail, turned the thermostat down, and changed into sweats.<p>

He threw the pizza in the oven, grabbed a beer and the remote, the settled in to flip channels for a while.

The he heard his pager.

"What the hell?" he muttered to himself, "I'm not on call tonight."

His brow knitted together as he looked at the number. It was not the ER, but Mark Sloan. He picked up his phone and called Mark.

"Hunt! We need you ASAP man."

"I'm not on call tonight Sloan, find someone else."

"Training mission went wrong at Fort Lewis, fighter jets dropped bombs on the Army scouts who were calling the targets. They are transporting 15 major and they haven't even gotten to all the injured yet. They need a man in the field."

"I'm on my way."

* * *

><p>The residents and interns assembled in the ambulance bay and awaited instructions from Sloan.<p>

"Uhhh Grey you work with um…"

"Bailey?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, yeah okay and Karev your with Altman." Sloan pointed.

"Dude, no I'm not." Karev agrued.

"Oh yes you are Karev!" Owen jogged up to the group. "Let's move people we don't have time to argue!"

"Chopper is 5 minutes out Hunt. Kepner has your gear." Sloan patted him on the back as he joined the group.

He lived for the action, for the adventure. His adrenaline was ready for the fight. As he glanced over at his wife, he saw her look nervously back. He smiled in reassurance and mouthed, _I'll be fine._

Cristina, realizing that she got caught staring, looked away immediately.

Owen sighed as he ran for to the elevator with Kepner at his heels. Cristina's_ emotions are all over the damn place!_ He didn't have much time to think about this now, but he was definitely going to bring it up with Dr. Wyatt.

* * *

><p>Three hours later Cristina tore off her scrub cap and pushed open the door to OR 1 with a loud sigh. Her patient was stable and probably going to make it, which made her feel good, but she still found herself on edge.<p>

She had kept an eye on the gallery during her surgery and she didn't see Owen there at all. He should be back by now, the last patient had been brought to the hospital via chopper 40 minutes ago.

If she were to be honest with herself, she would admit that she was worried about Owen. If she were to be honest with herself she was on her way to the Pit right now to look for him. If she were to be honest with herself…

But she wasn't be honest, so she told herself that she was on the way to the Pit to check if they needed any help.

As she stepped off the elevator she called out to a nurse, "Where's Hunt?" she demanded.

"Uh…Trauma 2 I think." Came the rushed response as the nurse jogged away.

Cristina took a deep breath. He was fine. She was worried about nothing…he was fine.

She contemplated if she should just head back upstairs. The office visit with Wyatt had been too much emotion for her for one day. Owen was busy anyway.

_Screw it._ She pushed open the door to Trauma Two.

Owen was indeed in there, but he was laying on a gurney, not standing over it.

"Owen?"

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><p><strong>I know...cliffhangers are no fun at all. <strong>

**Please don't forget to review! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yay for inspiration! Here's another chapter. Thank you so much for the awesome reviews! I love knowing what you guys think! Keep it up please! **

**And without further ado…**

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><p>"He's a little busy right now Yang," Sloan responded as he hovered over Owen's head. Altman was standing opposite of Sloan, focusing on a gash on the neck.<p>

Cristina saw Owen's hand lift off the gurney as if her were calling her over. She went to his side to grab it and felt him squeeze tightly.

She stood on her tiptoes to see over Jackson's shoulder, but was not prepared for what she saw.

Owen's face was covered in blood leaking from multiple lacerations on his head and neck, she let out a pathetic sound.

"Cristina," he hoarsed, "I'm okay, don't worry."

Cristina's eyes were wide, and mouth agape. "What- what happened?"

Altman and Sloan were busy assessing his lacerations one by one, "God damn there shouldn't be this much blood," Altman said, "Yang I need you to go."

"But-"

"Kepner can fill you in, just go Yang."

Cristina was led out of the room by a nurse. The door closed in front of her, but she didn't move.

She kept watching, eyeing the crash cart in the corner of the room and praying that no one reached for it.

"Cristina?" April Kepner's voice was soft.

Cristina turned to see a freshly showered Kepner in front of her.

"What happened April?"

"Dr. Hunt is amazing do you know that? He saved three men who were trapped by debris, he lifted it off them, stopped their bleeding…he was amazing." April's fingers were still shaking.

"Damn it April! I want you to tell me what happened to my husband!" Cristina's voice was shaking, but it was loud.

"There was a secondary explosion," Kepner explained, "There was a humvee that caught fire and Dr. Hunt was trying to get the men that were wounded near it out when it exploded."

"How bad?" Cristina's tears began.

"Well it all depends on how deep the shrapnel is imbedded. He can still see so his eyes are fine, but we're worried that a piece of shrapnel is close to his carotid." Kepner explained.

"Well," Cristina asked in an annoyed voice, "How fucking close is it?"

"Close…but I'm sure Dr. Altman can take it out."

Just then the Trauma room doors opened, "Out of the way people!" Sloan yelled as he and Altman wheeled the gurney through the doors.

Cristina ran along side the gurney and realized that Owen was not conscious anymore.

"Teddy-"

"Yang, out of the way, I will send someone out to update you as soon as I know something," she and Sloan eased the gurney on to the elevator, "I promise."

* * *

><p>Cristina tapped her foot frantically as she stared at the ground. She was sitting in the waiting room. As time passed, Meredith, Alex, Lexie, Derek, and Callie joined her. The last update she received was from Jackson half an hour ago. He explained that the shrapnel had cut his carotid artery, but Altman had caught it in plenty of time and was now attempting a repair.<p>

But that was way over an hour ago.

"You guys don't need to stay here," Cristina was still looking at the floor and spoke in a strong voice, "go home and sleep."

No one responded, but no one got up either.

Just then Lexie saw Jackson walking toward their group. She touched Cristina's arm gently and Cristina lifted her head.

As Jackson got closer she stood up.

"Hunt is in recovery," he said with a smile, "and it looks like his is going to be okay. We also stitched up the multiple lacs on his face so that he doesn't look like Frankenstein when he wakes up."

The friends who had gathered hugged each other in relief, but Cristina sat back down and took a couple deep breaths. She was so relieved, but she was feeling something else, _guilt._

"I can take you to his room if you want," Jackson addressed Cristina.

"Maybe later," she muttered to Jackson.

Jackson looked confused, "I mean he is still sleeping, but it would be good for you to be in there when he wakes up."

"I'm fine here," Cristina insisted.

Jackson exchanged looks with Meredith who sat down next to Cristina.

"Cristina, go be with Owen."

Cristina shook her head, "I can't."

"Yes you can. Go in there and give him something to hold on to."

Cristina looked at her friend and her lip started to tremble.

Meredith stood up and pulled Cristina with her, "Come on, I'll go with you."

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><p>As Owen came to the first thing he noticed was the dark hair splayed out on the bed near his hand.<p>

As the memories of what happened came rushing back to him, he lifted his hand to stroke her curls. She turned her head to him and he could see that she had been crying.

"Hey," he said simply.

Cristina smiled tightly and grabbed his hand, "Hi."

"Guess I lied huh? I wasn't exactly _fine_."

Cristina tried to keep her voice from trembling, "Meh, you're forgiven," she smiled and continued, "How much do you remember?"

"I remember: the page to the hospital, you ignoring me, the helicopter ride, the humvee exploding…it all gets a little fuzzy after that."

Cristina brought her hand to his face, " Thought I lost you."

Owen shook his head, "No such luck."

Cristina took a deep breath and looked away then back at him, "Shrapnel cut your carotid but Altman was able to fix it. Also, Sloan stitched up all the cuts on your face. You are going to be fine."

"Good, that's good." He whispered.

Cristina looked down at the bed, "Do you feel strong enough to hear something about my past?"

Owen nodded, but she was still looking at the bed so he tilted her chin up with his fingers so she could see his consent.

"I was pregnant 6 years ago," Cristina blurted before she lost her nerve.

Owen raised his eyebrows but said nothing.

"Burke and I had been sleeping together but there was not relationship. I was going to tell him about it, but then he ended things with me. So…I scheduled an abortion. The clinic made me designate and emergency contact person and I chose Meredith. That is how we became each other's person."

She took a breath and looked at his eyes. They were calm and loving. It gave her strength to continue.

"A couple days before my appointment I collapsed in the OR. It was uh…an extra-uterine pregnancy and my fallopian tube burst, I was bleeding out. Addison Sheppard saved my life…but obviously the pregnancy was not viable and the fallopian tube was damaged beyond repair."

She stopped talking and looked at Owen, "Cristina, I'm sorry…"

Cristina ignored him and continued, "After the procedure I was fine. I was totally and completely fine, until all of the sudden I wasn't. I wasn't okay. I felt a loss, even though I had already scheduled an abortion I still felt a loss."

Another deep breath, _almost over_ she told herself, "And I cried for a day, I couldn't stop. I don't know if this has anything to do with the abortion, but you have a right to know that it happened to me."

Owen was surprised, his initial anger over the fact that she had planned on aborting another child had dissipated and now he was focused on the fact that she felt a loss.

"Did you feel a loss this time?" he asked her.

Cristina paused before answering then nodded, "Yes."

"Is that why you always call it 'my baby'? Because you don't want to claim the loss?" he asked gently.

Cristina looked at him sadly, "I'm not a monster Owen…I just don't like feeling vulnerable."

He nodded, "I know, it's your shield."

She nodded in agreement.

His eyes were getting heavy, "I'm falling back asleep."

Cristina's heart dropped. She shouldn't have told him this in his condition. She knew better damn it, she was a surgeon. But, she had found the courage and was afraid not to tell him.

She got up to leave but she felt his hand brush against her arm, "Stay."

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><p>After Jackson had come to tell them Owen was out of surgery, Meredith had walked Cristina into Owen's room and sat with her for a while. Owen was still asleep and Cristina was resting her head on the bed against his hip. When Cristina fell asleep Meredith had left.<p>

When she arrived home, she hugged her husband harder than she ever thought possible.

"What's all this?" Derek asked.

Meredith smiled and shrugged, " I love you, even though I used to hate you."

He smiled, "You never hated me."

"I did too!" Meredith shot back, "When I told you to choose me and you didn't…I hated you."

"No you didn't," Derek insisted with a smile, "You announced that it was too hard for you so you weren't going to do it anymore."

"Shut up," she smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.

* * *

><p>Five days later, Owen was going absolutely insane. Cabin Fever would be an understatement. He was sitting on the edge of his bed in black his warm up pants and grey t-shirt.<p>

"Teddy, I am fine. My vitals are good, my cardiac output is good, my scar is healed. Let me go home!"

Teddy smiled at Owen, "We'll see buddy."

Teddy had decided to stop holding a grudge against Owen. Life is too short anyway.

"My mom is coming in today, she can take me home," he continued his argument.

"Owen, you know the rules. A minimum of seven days in the hospital after any kind of cardiovascular surgery."

Owen sighed, "I just want to go home Teddy. Can we make that happen?"

Owen pulled out his best puppy dog eyes and she felt sympathy for her friend.

"Is Cristina staying with you?"

"I'm not sure. We haven't really discussed that."

Teddy nodded, "Tell you what, if an MD is staying with you, you can go. But mom isn't quite gonna cut it. Sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Cristina said as she entered the room.

Teddy looked at Owen who shook his head discreetly, "For the fact that he is even uglier now than he was before." Teddy patted his arm.

Owen responded with a friendly, "Hey now!"

"See you two later. Yang, don't you have this weekend off?"

Cristina sat next to Owen on the bed and nodded, "Yup."

"Well then, enjoy it," and with that Teddy turned and left the room.

"How are you feeling?" Cristina kicked her left leg up on the bed so that she was facing him.

"I'm fine," Owen mirrored her pose, "big plans for your Friday night?"

Cristina shook her head, "Nope, just take out and surgery tapes."

"Believe it or not I am actually jealous," Owen said. His voice attempted to remain even as he asked his next question, "Have you decided on a fellowship yet?"

Cristina shook her head. "No, Chicago, and Massachusetts both rescinded their offers due to response time. Mayo and Cleveland Clinic gave me until Monday to decide."

"What about Seattle Grace?" he gently touched her hand with his fingertips as he asked her.

"Mark needs to know by Monday."

Cristina had kept her voice and gaze very unemotional during this discussion. Owen was frustrated by it.

"Cristina…" he started, "please tell me what you are thinking. I can't read you and it is killing me." His eyes were wide and sad.

She hated seeing him like this. But he hurt her, and a part of her thought he deserved the hurt.

"You haven't talked to me about my miscarriage. Do you remember that conversation?" Cristina asked as she moved her hand away from his and sat up straight.

He noticed that she changed the topic, but being that this was also something that he wanted to discuss he let it slide, "I do."

Cristina looked confused, "You haven't brought it up."

Owen shook his head, "I was waiting for you to. I didn't want you to think that I was confronting you about it. I want you to take your time."

Cristina looked at him pointedly, "Well I want to know how you feel about what I told you."

Owen breathed out and stroked her shoulder, "Truth?"

"Yes."

"I feel," Owen began, "sad. Sad for you, sad for _our _baby, sad for us."

Cristina looked away from him and tried to stand up but he wouldn't let her.

"Let me finish," he continued, "I feel guilty that I did not give you what you needed for you to have faith in us-"

"Wait, what?" Cristina interrupted, "That has nothing to do with this. I made this decision because-"

"Cristina so help me God if you say 'I just don't want one' this conversation will be over," he held up his hand, "You asked me how I feel. Let me tell you."

Cristina opened her mouth to respond. Owen sounded angry and that raised her defenses. He caught on to her body language and rephrased his request.

"Please," his voice was calm, "let me finish."

She nodded.

"Burke left you twice. The first time he left you all alone in the dark, and you had done nothing wrong. The second time…you had given him everything he wanted and more. But it didn't matter, he still left. Right?"

"Yes," her voice was soft.

"You lost a child. It was a miscarriage. The abortion may have been planned, but the way you lost that child was out of your control…and you were bleeding out, you were close to dying. That must have been terrifying."

"It was."

"Your dad died when you were nine. You did nothing wrong, you did everything you could, but he still died."

Cristina merely nodded.

"Then you met me, and you were amazing. For me it was love at first sight, truly. You didn't run when you saw that I was hurt. You gave everything you had to me, all your compassion and understanding...and love," he paused and forced her eyes to connect with his, "and then I choked you. I _hurt_ you."

Cristina swallowed as her eyes opened wider.

"Cristina you have had so much happen to you that was out of your control. So much loss…and you could control none of it."

Cristina tilted her head and tried to ask him what his point was, but the words wouldn't form in her mouth.

"I feel like maybe…," _here it goes, _he thought,_ get ready to grab her when she tries to run._

"Maybe you don't want a baby because you are afraid that you will lose someone else you that you love."

And like a punch to the gut, there it was. She stared off into space with her mouth partially open, but she didn't run.

Owen took advantage of her response and continued.

"You became strong because you had to, not because you wanted to, and now I don't think you know how to tear that wall down. I'm not saying you need to have a child, but I am saying that you should work on taking that wall down, brick by brick if you have too. Because life is better if let yourself know love," he kissed her forehead gently, "I know mine is."

Cristina just sat there. She was listening, but she felt like she got the wind knocked out of her. Owen was right. He was absolutely right. And she was mad at herself, mad that she had hurt him out of fear.

The irony was, that most people who knew her spoke of her as someone who was fearless. _A façade…it has always been a façade._

She didn't want to need him, he had hurt and betrayed her, but she couldn't help it. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

Owen slowly and gently wrapped one arm around he small frame and pulled her to him ever so slightly.

She couldn't help it anymore as she fell into his arms and cried.

He buried his face in her neck and kissed it gently as he whispered, "It's okay."

"It's not," she mumbled through her tears.

"It will be," he responded.

After a minute she felt like her tears were stopping and she sat up and took his hand, "Owen…do you want me to stay? Is our future worth me staying?"

Of course he wanted her to stay! But Cristina's language of love was not always spoken and he wanted her to be absolutely sure of his answer. Sometimes, words fail to convey emotion.

He took her face in his hands and kissed her. It was gentle but deep. When he felt her kiss him back he let his lips linger for a moment, then pulled away and answered her.

"Yes."

She smiled as the blood rush that accompanied his kiss finally ended, "Okay, I'll talk to Sloan tonight."

Owen grabbed her wrist and kissed the inside of it, "Thank you."

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><p><strong>More reviews = more updates!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

_**stillcan'tremembermylogin - It's good to know that there is someone out there as obsessed with these characters as I am. :)**_

**_To everyone that has reviewed: Thank You! All your wonderful reviews are what keeps me writing! :) Thank you times a million._**

**_T-minus 5 days until Grey's...and I have a feeling that I will be depressed after that episode. *sigh*_**

**_Thank god for fan fiction..._**

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><p><em><strong>Two weeks later.<strong>_

"Wow, you two certainly have made fantastic progress, even with the extenuating circumstances." Dr. Wyatt said to the couple in front of her. She hadn't seen them last week due to Owen's injury, but they kept trying to solve the puzzle without her. She respected that.

Owen smiled broadly and Cristina gave a small grin.

"Cristina you said you agree with what Owen thinks your reasoning is, do you think there is any other reason?"

Cristina looked at Dr. Wyatt and looked down, there was something that she wanted to say, but she was certain that it would do more harm than good.

"Cristina?" Dr. Wyatt repeated.

"It's okay Cristina say what you want to say," Owen said calmly.

Breathing deeply she said, "Well I think that Owen was right, and I am glad I realize that now, but I think that proof that it is not stupid to protect yourself lies in the face that he cheated on me."

She looked at him and tried to hide her sadness with anger, "I mean, you took solace in another woman. You betrayed me. You hurt me. Again."

Owen nodded and looked down. He figured that they would cover this today.

Dr. Wyatt looked up from her notebook, "Owen, have you and Cristina discussed your infidelity?"

"Yes, in detail." he affirmed awkwardly.

"Cheating is a difficult thing to move on from for any couple. It takes time. The most important thing for right now is that you try and separate your anger about that situation from a situation that may occur in your lives today."

"And how am I supposed to do that?" Cristina sniped.

Dr. Wyatt was not phased by her tone, "You think before you speak and you talk about your feelings toward the situation when you feel the need to. Which is an excellent segway into your homework. Remember? Making sure you paid attention to how you felt when interacting with each other…"

Owen gestured to Cristina, "Go ahead."

Cristina scoffed, "Uh yeah I uh…left my homework on the bus, so…"

Dr. Wyatt again decided to ignore her sarcasm. She had a feeling that Owen would be speaking about it when he had his turn.

"Okay then we can come back to you. Owen?"

Owen shifted in his seat so that he could easily have eye contact with Cristina, "Well there were a couple situations that I paid attention to."

Dr. Wyatt nodded for him to continue, but Cristina stared at the floor.

"When- when I was leaving for Ft. Lewis Cristina was looking at me, and I could tell she was worried…so I tried to comfort her, but she ignored me. It confused me... a lot. I felt like we had worked so hard for nothing."

"Ok," Dr Wyatt kept writing, "Cristina do you want to explain why you ignored him?"

Cristina sighed, "Not particularly, no."

"Cristina!" Owen exasperated.

"What! I was worried about you; you told me you'd be fine. What did you want me to do? Run across the ER and kiss you passionately? We're not in a freaking romance movie Owen." Cristina folded her arms in front of her chest and continued her examination of the floor.

Owen had scooted to the opposite end of the couch and leaned against the arm looking into the air, "This is my problem Cristina. This. Right here."

She brought her head up to look at him and he continued.

"You go from hot to cold in an instant. You go from telling me that you are staying in Seattle to refusing to take me home or spend any time with me this week!"

"Owen what was I supposed to do? Move back in! You know that's what would have happened if I took you home!" Cristina was shouting, loudly.

Owen's voice rose to the level of hers, "Yes! Move back home! Why not? You are my wife and I-"

"Okay guys," came Dr. Wyatt's calm voice, "let's just tackle one thing at a time."

_Looks like I am going to earn my paycheck today,_ thought Dr. Wyatt.

* * *

><p>When they walked out of Dr. Wyatt's office and to the counter to make their next appointment, Cristina refused to so much as look at Owen.<p>

Dr. Wyatt's perky receptionist smiled brightly at them "Okay Dr. Wyatt would like to see you both next week so let me set up some appointments-"

"Some?" Cristina repeated. _Please no, _she thought,_ I don't even want to do that once a week._

The secretary's smile remained as she said "Mmmhm, she would like to see you individually next week. So what works for you?"

Owen and Cristina made their appointments and left the office. As they walked out the door Cristina turned left and walked toward the cardio wing.

"I didn't know you were on call tonight," Owen followed her.

"I'm not."

"So…where are you going?" he persisted.

Cristina sighed, "Just leave me alone Owen."

He stopped following her, partially because she told him to and partially because he was out of breath from trying to keep up with her. His body was still not fully heeled from his surgery and it was obvious.

"I can give you a ride home." He called after her.

"No thanks." She kept walking down the hallway…and as she turned the corner she heard his voice again.

"I'm going to my mom's for dinner. Will you come?" Owen was yelling down the hall at this point.

"Fat chance." She muttered as she nearly collided Meredith.

"Fat chance of what?"

"Uhg. Owen. He wants me to come with him to mommy's house for dinner." Cristina kept walking, "I mean I don't get why he thinks I would do that."

Meredith changed her direction and walked with Cristina, "Um, because you gave up a fellowship at Cleveland Clinic to stay with him…and because you told him you still love him… and because you let him kiss you…"

Cristina glared sideways at her friend.

"So…why are we not going with him tonight?" Meredith asked as the two friends slowed their pace.

Cristina sighed, _busted, _she thought.

Meredith read her face and decided to do her "person" duty, "You are confusing to me, so that means you must be confusing to him."

Meredith gave Cristina a chance to reply, but she was to busy pretending to examine a chart – upside down. Meredith turned the chart around for her and continued.

"Cristina, you made a choice, you stayed. Now stop messing with his head." Meredith found herself in foreign territory. Attempting to help Owen Hunt.

Cristina looked at her friend and spoke in a sad tone, "He actually wants me to move back in with him, can you believe that? He is acting like he did nothing wrong. I can't handle that."

Meredith nodded understandingly and put a hand on her friend's arm, "I get that, but you don't have to forgive him, and you don't have to move back in with him…but stop pretending you don't love him. We're already way past that."

Cristina rolled her eyes but she was smiling, "How are you on his team now?"

"Hey- I'm on your person…and he's on your team too."

"Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"You win."

Meredith smiled, "She lives pretty close to us doesn't she?"

"Less than a mile." Cristina affirmed.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride."

* * *

><p>Owen and his mom were in the kitchen. Owen was tearing the ends off of the string beans and his mom was preparing a marinade for the chicken. He loved being in the kitchen with his mom. It gave him a warm feeling. When Cristina used to come with him for dinner at mom's she would usually get the job of snapping off the end of the beans. It was the only job she wasn't afraid to take. Owen smiled, that woman could memorize and perform dozens of surgeries, but put measuring cups in front of her: game over.<p>

"What are you smiling at?" his mom asked without looking up from her masterpiece.

"Nothin', do you still want me to take a look at your water heater before I leave? I meant to get over here last week, sorry."

"Oh I am fairly certain that having major surgery is the best excuse you've ever had," she smiled fondly at her son, "I already called a plumber so don't worry about it. All fixed."

They went back to an amiable silence for a few moments before his mom spoke.

"I know that I probably shouldn't be asking this, and if you don't want to talk about it that's fine, but did you and Cristina figure things out?"

Owen snapped the last bean and went about discarding the ends, "Um we are working on it, I think it will be a while before I have an answer to that question."

His mom put the chicken in the marinade and placed the bowl in the fridge, "Have you stopped beating yourself up yet?"

Owen mentally slapped himself. He regretted telling his mom about the cheating. She kept trying to get him to forgive himself, and honestly he wanted to beat himself up for a while about it. He felt like he deserved it. He was just glad he never told her about the abortion.

"Mom, I think that you know how I am by now." Owen leaned against the counter facing his mom.

"I do. You are the man who expects perfection out of himself, yet not out of others," she paused. "Owen I know that you wouldn't have done something like that for no reason and I am not asking you to tell me the reason and I am not saying that makes it okay, but you have to forgive yourself before anyone else can forgive you." She patted his face, "Right?"

Owen smiled at his mom. "I'll try."

Owen thought he heard a car door slam.

_Woof Woof Woof_

"Your guard dog is protecting you," Owen smirked.

"Oh now you be nice to Crash, he takes good care of me!" his mom admonished. She walked toward the door with Owen just behind her.

"You expecting someone else?" Owen asked.

"Nope," his mom said as she opened the heavy wooden door, "I think this guest is for you. You get the door, I'll get the dog."

She grabbed Crash by the collar and pulled him back into the kitchen.

Owen opened the door and walked outside. He waited for Cristina on the porch. He hoped that his face conveyed his happiness accurately, because he was over the moon.

"Hey," he said simply.

"Hey yourself," she responded, "do you have telepathy or what?"

"Huh?"

"How did you know I was here?" she translated.

"Oh," he let out a quick laugh, "Crash was barking."

"Mmm yes," she stopped and stood in front of him, "the early warning system your mom had installed."

They both laughed and Owen nodded, "He is that, yes."

As their laughter dissipated, Cristina felt awkward.

"Is it okay that I came?" she asked.

Owen took her hand in response and held the door open.

Cristina entered the house and looked around. She loved going to Owen's mom's house. It was warm and homey and Martha Stewarty all at the same time. Plus it always smelled divine.

"Cristina! So nice to see you!"

Cristina reached out and accepted the hug from Mrs. Hunt, "Thank you, and sorry for crashing your dinner-"

"Nonsense! You are always invited, but Owen did the green beans already so I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to cut the potatoes."

"Oh…," Cristina held up her hands, "you think I am ready for that?"

Owen smiled, _Did my wife just make a joke?_

His mom nodded, "I do," she guided Cristina over to the cutting board, "and I will even let you choose your own knife."

Owen stood across the counter from Cristina and his mom, "Just think of it as a big scalpel and you'll be fine."

She looked at Owen and smiled, "Is this going to be another one of those 'it's not about the hands; it's about the body' things?"

Owen smiled at the memory and shook his head, "Not this time, promise."

Once Cristina received directions on how to cut the potatoes, Mrs. Hunt sent Owen out to grill the chicken. Cristina felt slightly vulnerable in the kitchen without Owen, but she tried not to show it.

Mrs. Hunt was busying herself about cleaning the dishes that had been used in the preparations. She wanted so badly to talk to Cristina about her son, but she hated to meddle. She was not a meddler; she didn't like it when other people stuck their nose in her business so she always tried respect Owen and Cristina's privacy. But she just wanted to know how her son was doing.

The silence was getting to Cristina so she decided to end it. Gesturing to the slices of potato that she had cut she asked, "Are these okay?"

Mrs. Hunt stood across the counter from her and took a look. "They are a bit thin…"

"Oh."

"No matter though, just adjust it," she patted Cristina's arm.

Cristina felt herself blush a little, "Should I start over?"

Owen's mom's eyes met hers and she said, "Gracious no, just make the next slices a bit bigger. You are never going to everything perfect. It's just about noticing when a slice is too big or too small and making an adjustment."

Cristina was beginning to think that they weren't talking about potatoes, but she asked her question anyway, "How do you know what is too thick and what is too thin?"

"Experience and patience," she took the knife from Cristina and cut a few slices, "but you can never get them all the same…and your shouldn't try. It's not about perfection. Just adjustment."

Cristina nodded as the knife was returned to her, "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

><p>"No way!" Owen exclaimed.<p>

"Way!" Cristina smiled.

"I think you two are in cahoots." Owen faked anger and threw his cards down, "How could you not pick Hitler…he is the epitome of evil, and you're Jewish!"

Cristina and his mom were both in fits of giggles. Once they were under control Cristina spoke.

"I'm sorry but your mom knows me!" she held up the red card that read 'Mop'. "Any tool involved in cleaning is pure evil in my book!"

He smiled. It was tradition to play a board game after dinner at his moms. Tonight the main event was Apples to Apples. His mom had just won with Cristina's decision.

"I dunno," he smiled, "I still think there was some sort of alliance going on between you two."

Owen's mom took the cards from Cristina and Owen and put them in the box, "It's getting late. You kids should get going. I hope you don't have to work in the morning."

Cristina yawned and stretched as she stood up, "I'm not on 'til noon, what about you Owen?"

"Same," he responded, "can I give you a ride home?"

He saw his mom's ears perk up at his question. He hadn't told her that Cristina moved out. She walked into the kitchen to let the dog out, but Owen could tell she was still listening.

Cristina shook her head, "No, it's nice out. Mer only lives a couple blocks from here."

Owen shook his head, "Uh it's almost midnight. You think I am going to let you walk home alone? Think again," he gently ruffled her hair. "If you insist on walking, I'm walking with you."

"Owen-"

"Nope, this one I am going to be stubborn about," he grabbed her jacket and helped her into it. "What's it going to be? Walk or drive?"

"Pig or cow…" Cristina muttered.

"What was that?" Owen slipped his jacket on.

"Nothing, never mind. I would love a ride home. Thanks."

"Here," Owen's mom came from the kitchen with a bag, "take these."

Owen took it from her and peered in the bag, "Mmmmmm, mom you spoil me," he hugged her with his free arm, "I love your brownies."

"I know. Make sure you share! It was nice to see you Cristina, don't be a stranger." She embraced the younger woman, "And you know where I am if you need me."

Cristina grinned, "Thank you for dinner and for beating Owen in Apples to Apples. I am not sure I have ever seen him lose."

"All right…let's get out of here," Owen kidded, "my ego can't take anymore hits."

After everyone said one more goodbye and gave one more hug, Owen and Cristina left and walked down the path to Owen's truck. She reached for her door handle but he was faster. She didn't say anything, but she did smile in thanks.

The drive took less than 3 minutes, but Owen contemplated circling the block so that they could continue their conversation, but he was pretty sure that action reeked of desperation, so he shot it down.

"Crash really likes you," Owen commented as he pulled into the driveway.

"I feed him under the table, it's all about the bribery," she smiled.

"Well…" he put the car in park and turned off the engine, "thank you for coming. Do you mind me asking what changed your mind?"

Cristina smiled, "It was the newest member of Team Owen."

Owen furrowed his brow.

"Meredith." Cristina clarified.

"Hm, I'll have to thank her. I am so glad you came."

Cristina was still smiling and she really did not want to get out of the car, "Me too…" she paused, "Owen?"

"Yeah?"

"I think that I need something before I go inside."

He felt his heart start to race as he gently leaned toward her, "What's that?"

* * *

><p>"Mmmmmm… my God these are orgasmic."<p>

"Shhhhh," Owen chastised, "I am fairly certain that Meredith and Derek do not want that to be Zola's next word.

They were sitting in the back of his truck eating brownies. Well, they weren't just brownies, they were amazing brownies.

Cristina swallowed what was in her mouth and said, "Oh please, have you met her mother? Besides orgasmic has too many syllables. She'll never pick that up after hearing it once."

Owen reached for another brownie, "Lot of stars out tonight."

Cristina took a swig from Owen's water bottle and layed on her back in the truck, "There's the big dipper."

He followed her finger and nodded, "Yup. Do you know which one is Orion?"

Cristina's eyes searched the sky for a moment, when she found it her eyes it up and he smiled, "There it is," she said.

"Wow, I'm impressed," he took a swig of the water and looked down at her, "how did you know that?"

She scoffed, "Duh, Men in Black."

He looked at her in question.

"Orion's belt...wow you need to get out more," she joked.

Owen lay down next to her. He felt absolutely perfect in this moment. He felt at peace. Like everything in the world was as it should be. He shifted onto his side to face her.

"Cristina I feel so full right now."

She rolled onto her side and let her hand fall next to his, "Did you eat too much?"

"What- No. No, I-"

She touched her hand to his and smiled, "I know what you mean."

They were looking into each other's eyes, neither blinking.

"I feel safe with you," she began, "I feel happy and warm with you. There is this piece of me that is telling me not to, but I don't care. I want to let go. I want to just…just…"

She paused and he slowly brought his hand to her face, he felt like he was trying not to spook a horse, " 's okay," he murmured, "go ahead."

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again she had found her strength.

"I just want to love you."

He smiled, "I love you Cristina Yang."

After a moment or two he heard her voice.

"I love you too."

She started to get up and Owen's heart fell. He didn't want their perfect moment to end. This was as close to perfect as his life had been in six months.

Then, Owen realized that she wasn't leaving, she had just rolled over to her other side.

"Owen can you hold me?" she asked.

He immediately wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to him, "You never have to ask."

She smiled and closed her eyes. But she would remember the feel of his lips on her temple when she woke.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! I think I have 2...maybe 3 chapters left in me. Keep up the awesome reviews guys! :)<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Spring Break is officially over! So the next update may or may not happen tomorrow. Sorry guys! **

**All of your reviews are AMAZING. Thank you so much for reviewing and for talking GA with me! **

* * *

><p>Owen awoke to a soft chirp of birds in the distance. He opened his eyes slowly. There was just enough light to see clearly, but the sun wasn't up yet. Cristina was still spooned next to him. He smiled and went to kiss her neck and wake her up, but he noticed something: a chain.<p>

_Cristina hasn't worn a necklace since our wedding…_

He pulled at it slowly. It was long…it almost looked like – wait… it was.

"Theif," he whispered softly as he kissed her neck.

Cristina smiled and opened her eyes slowly, "You found my secret."

Owen grinned, "I noticed that I was missing these a while back. Figured I had moved them. When did you take them?"

She turned to lay on her back, "When I moved out...I wasn't bold enough to take a t-shirt, but I wanted to keep a piece of you. You were wearing these when I met you, so I always felt a connection to them."

He rubbed the dog tags with his thumb and slid them back under her shirt. It gave him comfort to know that even through all the pain and avoidance…deep down she still wanted a piece of him.

"You wear them all the time?" he asked.

She nodded and smiled softly, "What time is it?"

"It is," he lifted his head and turned his hand, "05:30. Bet Meredith and Derek will be leaving soon. I should probably get going. It's my first day back…need to be on my game."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Derek was eating breakfast and looking out the window at Owen's truck. It was blocking his car but he wasn't sure what his next move should be.<p>

He didn't want to knock on Cristina's door…that may become awkward. He didn't want to wake Meredith up because he wasn't ready to hear her repeat 'I can't believe she slept with him already!' three times every minute.

He looked around the kitchen to see if Hunt had left his keys on the counter. No luck. He checked the living room, nothing. He sighed…_Sorry Hunt, but I gotta do it_.

He started to ascend the stairs but stopped and turned as he heard the door open. A haggard looking Cristina walked in, "Uhh...good morning Cristina."

Cristina nodded at the confused surgeon and continued up the stairs and into the bathroom.

Derek descended back down the stairs, grabbed his bag, and walked outside. He saw Hunt hopping out of the bed of his pick up truck.

When he landed on the ground, Owen looked up at Derek. He felt like he had just got caught making out on the couch when he was fifteen.

Derek grinned widely at him, "Have a nice night?"

Owen nodded, "I did, my back feels like shit, but it was worth it."

Derek opened the rear hatch of his SUV and slid his briefcase in, "Any chance my house could be minus one soon?"

Owen's grin vanished, "Honestly, I don't know. I hope so. But at this point that is up to her."

Derek nodded, "I won't kick her out, don't worry."

Owen smiled, "Thanks…I think."

Derek opened his door, "See you at work."

"Yeah, see ya."

* * *

><p>Cristina went into the bathroom, got ready for work, then she laid back down to attempt to catch a couple hours of sleep before her shift. Her neck was stiff because her pillow last night had been Owen's arm. Not that she was complaining, it was the best four hours of sleep she had gotten in weeks.<p>

As she lay in bed she tried to fall asleep, but her mind wouldn't stop coming up with possible scenarios; _What if I move back in? What if we start just spending weekends together? What if I have another birth control failure? What if he cheats on me again? What if-_

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. Meredith poked her head in, "Did you have dirty sex with Owen last night?"

Cristina scooted over on the bed but continued to look at the ceiling, "No."

Meredith lay down next to her, "Are you sure, because I heard you come up the stairs about 2 minutes before I saw his truck pull out of the driveway, and that was thirty minutes ago."

Cristina exhaled, "Nope. No sex. I would have remembered sex."

Meredith paused, "Sooo are you holding out or is he?"

Cristina closed her eyes and said, "I don't know. Probably a combination, I mean he isn't trying anything, but then again neither am I."

"I thought he kissed you?" Meredith asked.

"He did, almost two weeks ago when I told him I would stay in Seattle. Since then there have only been pecks on the cheek and some hand holding."

Meredith smirked, "Want me to distract the teacher so you two can kiss at recess?"

"Ha Ha," Cristina said dryly. "I dunno, I think I'm too tired to think about it right now."

Meredith sat up and went to leave, but Cristina caught her with her voice.

"I want to move back in, but I don't."

Meredith leaned against the door frame and looked at her motionless friend. "You guys do have that 2nd story living quarters. Why don't you fix it up?"

Cristina scoffed, "Pointless."

"You think he learned his lesson?" Meredith asked skeptically. "I mean, about the cheating?"

"Well I don't think he's ten, so I am not worried about whether he learned his lesson or not..." she yawned but kept her eyes closed, "But I have no idea if he will do it again. I never expected him to do it the first time."

"Hmmm," Meredith agreed.

"But I mean, whether I move back in or not has nothing to do with whether he will cheat on me again, does it?"

Meredith thought about this for a moment, "I guess not. I guess at this point it's about how much you want to make him suffer."

Cristina exhaled, "I'm going to sleep Mer. Wake me at 11, I'll drive in with you."

Meredith left the room and closed the door.

But Cristina remained awake; _I don't want him to suffer at all._

Her mind was arguing with her heart. Her mind said _if you never go back, he'd never be able to cheat on you again_. Her heart said _you have to go back or you will never feel love again._

As she drifted off to sleep the image of a brick wall appeared in her dreams. She pulled out one of the loose bricks and tossed it to the side.

* * *

><p>Owen exhaled and rubbed his hands together. It was chilly out tonight. That fact made him thankful for the weather they had last week. He smiled remembering the night Cristina and he had fallen asleep in his pick up truck. It was a memory he allowed himself to return to often.<p>

He checked his watch – 21:30. He sighed, Cristina got off at 5 today and was probably at Meredith's in bed by now.

Sighing, he walked out into the parking lot, shoving his hands in his pockets to keep warm. Cursing himself for parking so far away, he decided to review his week in his head to keep his mind off the cold.

Cristina had been friendly and talkative toward him, which made him happy. They hadn't had much time together as their schedules were opposite this week but they did grab lunch a couple times in the cafeteria.

His appointment with Dr. Wyatt had gone quite well. She equipped him with some ideas to help Cristina get past his infidelity. Little things, like telling her about his day, even the seemingly insignificant details. Calling to tell her goodnight when he worked nights or checking in with her if he was going to be late, _not that that is an issue right now_. The last piece of advice Dr. Wyatt gave was: let her make the first step whenever possible, _especially in the bedroom_.

He remembered that part. He hated it, but he remembered it. When Cristina did move back in – and he was 80 percent confident that she would – he was going to have to harness all of his willpower… because all he wanted to do was bury himself in her.

His jeans strained at the thought and he walked a little faster.

As he approached his truck he peered into the bed and noticed a duffle bag and a box. He smiled.

There was a note taped to the driver side window. It read:

Owen-

Got called in to repair an aortic aneurism, I'll be home late. Don't wait up.

-C

* * *

><p>Owen lapped the apartment again. He wanted to make sure everything was in place. He wasn't sure why. Cristina was the proverbial bull in a china shop and didn't usually notice whether the house was clean or not. But he had spent the last two hours cleaning and straightening because it helped calm his nerves.<p>

He flipped on the TV and sat on the couch. But as soon as he sat down he thought of something else, _What if she's hungry?_

He walked into the kitchen and opened the pantry. It was essentially empty. He had basically been living on frozen pizza and protein drinks for the last month… _crap._ He grabbed a menu off the fridge. _Chinese food, she loves Chinese Food. _

He pulled out his cell phone and caught the time on it as he started to dial, 00:15. They were definitely closed.

He exhaled dramatically. He didn't want to leave because he wanted to be here when she got home.

_Frozen pizza it is_.

He had a cheese pizza left so he grabbed it. Cheese was her favorite. She _loved_ plain cheese pizza. He checked the fridge for extra shredded cheese.

_Success!_

He sprinkled a generous amount of cheese on top, turned on the oven and put the pizza in. _Screw preheating_.

The laundry was done. He had dusted, folded up all of the blankets he had been using, and returned his pillow to the bed.

He had been sleeping on the couch lately. It wasn't a sentimental thing, he had no problem using the bed, he just seemed to sleep better on the couch.

Cristina's belongings were already back where they belonged. He had washed and dried her clothes, folded them neatly, and put them in their proper drawers.

He walked aimlessly around the apartment for 3 minutes before deciding to jump in the shower.

* * *

><p>Cristina felt nervous as she opened the big red door. She had given this decision a lot of thought, and with the help of Dr. Wyatt she managed to muster up the courage to act.<p>

Her individual session with Dr. Wyatt had been much better than she anticipated. The talked about her dad, Owen, moving out, wanting to move in, her relationship with Mer…and the abortion.

The abortion was not the topic they spent the most time on, but it was the topic Cristina remembered most vividly. Dr. Wyatt had asked her if going through these difficult times had made her change her mind about a child.

Cristina frowned slightly as she ascended the stairs. Her answer had been no. She still had no desire to have children. In a way she was disappointed. She was afraid that this whole nightmare was going to repeat itself in a year or two.

_One step at a time._

That's what Dr. Wyatt had told her. That she needed to tackle one thing at a time. Owen had explained that she was more important that children, and for right now she had no choice but to trust him. She ascended the last few stairs and exhaled softly when she finally reached the loft.

_Besides, I don't think I am ready to have sex yet anyway. It's a mute point for now._

At least she thought it was a mute point. That was until her husband came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel.

He smiled shyly at her, "Hey."

"Um hi."

He walked over to greet her but stuttered. He wasn't sure if he should kiss her, hug her, or both. He settled for a soft kiss on the cheek. "How was your day?"

Cristina didn't respond right away. He looked so cute with his wet hair and shy grin. _I have good taste,_ she thought to herself.

"It was good," she found her voice, "long but good…I'm tired I think I am going to wash up and um…"

She trailed off and pointed to the bathroom.

"Oh, right," Owen noticed how awkward this was and hoped it would improve. "Just let me grab my robe."

He walked into the bathroom, holding his towel up the entire time.

She waited for him to exit, went in, and closed the door. Owen just stood staring at the door until the sound of the shower starting broke his reverie.

He tried his best to laugh, because otherwise he would probably overanalyze things. _This is supposed to be awkward. It's an adjustment…_

He repeated that to himself as he put on his robe and towel dried his hair. Then there was the issue of pajamas. _Probably not appropriate to go commando and I need to wear something more than just underwear._

He riffled through his drawer and pulled out a pair of gym shorts.

_Do I need to wear a shirt?_ _She already saw me half naked tonight…but I really don't want to push her. _

Owen decided to put on a black t-shirt for now and figured he would gauge her comfort level when they went to bed.

He heard the shower turn off and he felt lost again. _Should I wait for her in bed? No- maybe on the couch._

He walked over to the couch and flipped on the TV, doing his best to strike a natural pose. He heard the door to the bathroom open and pretended to be engrossed in the show. But, in reality he couldn't tell you anything about it, he wasn't really watching. He was listening for her voice and inconspicuously watching her.

She exited the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body, went to her drawer and looked in it. It was full. She grabbed the shorts and tank she was looking for and brought them to her nose. They smelled like dryer sheets.

"Oh," she said.

Owen jumped up from the couch and walked over, "Everything okay?"

Cristina looked up at him, "Yeah, it's just…you did my laundry."

He squinted in confusion, "So?"

She brought her eyes to meet his, "Thank you."

Owen smiled softly and cocked his head to the side, "Cristina I always do laundry. You don't have to thank me for that."

His hand found it's way to her arm and stroked it gently up and down.

The touch gave Cristina goose bumps and she recoiled, "Um well, thank you anyway."

Before Owen knew what had happened she was back in the bathroom. _Guess that t-shirt is staying on tonight,_ Owen thought to himself. His optimism about their reunion was gone. _She doesn't even want me to touch her._

He wasn't sure where to go or what to do, and at this point it would be silly to try and hide the fact that he felt awkward. It was pretty obvious that they both did. So he turned off the TV and sat on the bed, waiting for her to come out.

When she emerged, she walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, but not facing him. "The house looks great."

Owen smiled tightly, "Thanks."

"Probably easy to keep it up when I am not around to mess it up," she commented.

He nodded in agreement, "Yeah, but I would rather be cleaning up after you."

She smiled and elbowed him gently, "I'm going to remind you that you said that a week from now."

He laughed and turned to face her. His face turned serious, "I was lonely. I missed you. I will field day this house every day if that means you will be here."

She looked down and smiled while she traced the pattern on their comforter, "I love it when you use military lingo. Field day sounds way better than cleaning day."

He watched her hand move. The lack of physical contact was killing him. He didn't need sex, or pleasure, or anything like that. He just wanted to touch her.

"Cristina?"

She brought her head up and raised her eyebrows.

"When I touched you before you were uncomfortable."

She didn't respond, she just looked back down.

Owen continued, ducking his head in an attempt to make eye contact with her, "I am not expecting anything. I will sleep on the couch if you want. But can I just-"

He covered her hand with his.

She looked up at him and her eyes conveyed her consent.

She felt the need to explain herself. This feeling was foreign to her, but she figured she would give it a go. _Here I go Dr. Wyatt. I better get a damn lollypop for this._

"I know I have been kind of all over the place when it comes to this stuff," she gestured at their joined hands. "But the way I feel changes all the time. Sometimes I want you to hold me, sometimes I want you to get away from me, and sometimes I want both."

Owen nodded and let her continue.

"I just- I mean, right now all I want to know is...that even though you slept with someone else you still want _me_. I want to know that I am the one you want, not-"

She didn't even have a chance to breathe before Owen's lips engulfed hers. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed into her. "I - love- you. I- want – you. Only – you." He was doing his best to fit the syllables into his gasps for breath.

Cristina was slow to respond to his kiss, but only because she was shocked. He had never kissed her like this before. The only time she could remember that even came close was the time he kissed her in the ambulance bay, but even that wasn't as emotional as this.

Her hands cradled his face and pulled him away slowly. His eyes were half closed, but she could see the emotion in them.

Her eyes were wet too, he noticed. But he couldn't read her face. It was clear to him that she wanted to say something but-

"Owen," her voice caught, "you are my everything. When I'm not with you, nothing matters. You are my everything. Please- please don't…" she couldn't continue, her tears were falling too fast.

He wiped her cheeks with his thumbs and pulled her close. Watching her admit her feelings was both the best and the worst feeling in the world.

"I won't. I swear to you," he promised as he rocked her gently. "I will love you until the day I die."

They stayed like that for a moment, but then Cristina pushed away from him suddenly, "Owen is something burning?"

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><p><strong>Thought I forgot about the pizza didn't ya?<strong>

**I'm a review junkie, so please...enable me. :) **

**Thanks for reading! **


	9. Chapter 9

**I know this is a short one, but I plan on making the next one long. :) Please review if you have the time! Thanks to all of you who have already. **

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><p>Owen was off the bed in a flash but it was too late, smoke was billowing out of the oven. He switched off the over and opened it. The pizza hadn't just cooked…it had melted. Cheese was burnt onto the bottom.<p>

He coughed and waved a hand in front of his face.

Just then the fire alarm started going off.

Cristina bolted to the kitchen, grabbed a chair to try and reach the alarm on the wall, but she was too short. Owen was right behind her, and he reached over and pulled the battery out.

Then they walked around the perimeters of the firehouse, opening windows.

_Wow it's cold. _Cristina thought as she opened the windows by their bed.

Owen went over to the oven and opened the door. The black blob on the bottom of the oven used to be cheese, at least he was pretty sure…

He looked over at Cristina who was opening the last of the windows.

"Well, looks like I am going to have a hard time making fun of you next time you cook."

She smiled and walked over the join him, "Well then I guess I will just keep letting you cook."

Owen looked at her in a way that conveyed both apology and amusement, "Hope you're not hungry."

Cristina shook her head; she had eaten right before she go called into surgery.

"Wow," Cristina said as she peered in the oven, "I think we can safely call time of death."

Owen nodded and tilted his head to looked at the rest of their house. You could still see the haze of smoke throughout, and the temperature of the room was plummeting.

"We should probably leave the windows open for a while," he suggested, "Otherwise it will smell for days."

Cristina's teeth chattered but she agreed, "Yeah, probably."

The looked at each other and remembered the moment they had just been torn away from.

Cristina had loved hearing that from him. Hearing him say he would love her until the day he died felt good. But was he being honest? She knew he was…she _knew_ it. But still, she had her doubts, and they were sneaky and hard to understand.

Owen stood behind her and placed his hands on the counter, essentially trapping her.

She could feel his breath on her ear, "Where would you like me to sleep tonight?"

His breath made her shiver. She didn't answer right away.

He dipped his head and rested it on her shoulder, "I can sleep on the couch, it's not a big deal. We'll move at your pace."

She exhaled and shook her head, "No, we can sleep in the bed."

Owen smiled against her shoulder and kissed it softly, "You sure?"

Cristina turned in his arms and kissed him softly. "Come on, let's go to bed."

They both fell into their nightly routine, brushing teeth, turning out lights, setting the coffee pot, setting the alarm, and making sure their pagers were on the nightstands.

Then, finally, they climbed into bed.

She thought she was going to be okay with this, she really did. She thought it would be fine. But they hadn't shared a bed since Owen admitted to cheating on her, and looking at their bed brought back so many memories.

Suddenly the thought of sleeping next to him made her feel hot all over, and not in a good way. But when she finally covered herself with the sheets and Owen switched off the light…she was officially _freaking out_.

_Just breathe Cristina. This is your husband, he made a mistake, but he is doing everything he can to make up for it. Nothing is expected to happen. You're just going to sleep. Just…breathe._

While Cristina was busy having a panic attack, Owen's chest was aching from happiness. After a month of loneliness, a month of sleeping on the couch, a month of reaching out and finding nothing but air…things were finally as they should be.

After a couple of minutes passed Cristina and Owen were still on their respective sides of the bed and the temperature in the apartment had dropped considerably. Cristina was freezing. Owen was still alert and awake, arguing with himself if it would be appropriate to pull Cristina into his arms. He decided to try and test the waters.

He slowly reached his foot over to her side of the bed. His foot grazed hers.

"Cristina, you're freezing!" Her foot felt like ice. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to him. But before their bodies touched she sat up and got out of bed.

"I need to check the thermostat and turn the heat up."

Owen sat up and watched her walk to the opposite side of the apartment, "Hun I don't think that is going to help, the windows are open. Just come back to bed, I'll get us some extra blankets."

Cristina tapped a couple buttons on the thermostat and shook her head, "I'm not tired anyway. Will it bother you if I watch TV?"

Owen sighed. He was glad the apartment was dark; he didn't want her to see the disappointment on his face. "That's fine."

Cristina sat down on the couch and pulled the blanket that was hanging over the back over her frozen body. She flipped on the TV and stared blankly at it. Her heart was still beating a mile a minute and she barely noticed the cold. At first.

Owen was deep in thought. He was somewhat embarrassed, but slightly irritated as well. Last week she had _asked_ him to hold her. She wanted his touch. This week it was like poison again. Heck just this evening alone she had gone from skittish, to warm and accepting, back to skittish.

He rubbed and hand over his face through his hair. He could see her silhouette from the bed. She was curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch. He thought he could see her shivering.

Cristina was, in fact, freezing. She didn't want to get up because she was embarrassed. She knew that Owen saw right through her excuse. She was somewhat angry at herself as well. She was trying to be more stable and predictable. That was something that Dr. Wyatt and she had talked about.

Cristina did not have a very good read on her own emotions, so when she acted on them, it confused not only the people around her, but Cristina herself. One of the things that Dr. Wyatt said could help was to tell Owen how she was feeling, so that he knew where she was coming from. She had done that earlier tonight, hopefully it gave him some insight.

Just as she was rubbing her hands together for the second time, she felt something large and fluffy engulf her. Owen was standing behind the couch, tucking the blanket around her.

She smiled up and him and he smiled back. He walked to the other side of the couch and placed a pillow against the armrest. Cristina laid her head down on it and Owen covered her with another blanket.

He crouched down in front of her, blocking the TV from view. His hand stroked her hair, "Better?"

She nodded. Her eyes gazed into his and she hoped that they conveyed the regret she felt. If they did, he didn't seem to notice or respond. He simply stroked her hair a few more times with his expert touch.

"Good," he said as he kissed her head, "I love you."

He stood up and walked back to the bed.

The empty feeling in his chest returned and banished the joy he had felt 10 minutes ago. But he felt better knowing that he took care of her, and that she let him. The fact that they were under the same roof was comforting, and that was what he tried to focus on as the exhaustion of the day finally set in and sleep overtook him.

Cristina, however was awake despite a severe lack of sleep in the last three days. She wanted his touch so bad, but was afraid of it at the same time.

She tried to block it out of her head and flipped channels until she found an I Love Lucy marathon. One of the only good memories she had as a child was laying in bed with her mom where she was little and watching I Love Lucy on Nick at Night. Her mom would sometimes make popcorn and they would curl up and watch until the infomercials came on.

Of course the next day, Helen Rubenstein would return to the judgmental perfectionist that her daughter usually remembered her by. She expected perfection out of everyone and everything and held independence at a premium.

Cristina and Dr. Wyatt had talked about that too, how the fact that her mom had dealt with hardship and loss by preparing her daughter for it. _Gee, thanks mom. It's been a big help._ Cristina thought as she finally felt drowsiness invade.

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><p><strong>Work is tough right now, so as silly as it sounds, getting reviews in my inbox brightens my day! :)<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey buddies…this one is rated M at the end. So no kiddos, OK?**

**Thank you for all the reviews. You guys seriously rock my socks off! Make sure you let me know if you like how I ended it… I wasn't sure what to do exactly, as this is a really complex situation, but I tried! **

**Happy reading! Boo for Mondays!**

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><p>"So you are sleeping on the couch?" Shephard asked between swings.<p>

"No," Owen connected with the golf ball and squinted as he watched it soar, "she is."

Derek placed his club in his bag and took a swig of water, waiting for Owen to continue.

"This is much more fun on the roof," Owen commented as he glanced around him at the many golfers at the driving range.

"So it's been what…three weeks?"

Owen nodded.

"And she is sleeping on the couch?"

Owen nodded again, "Can we not talk about this? It is not my favorite topic."

Derek smiled and tilted his head, "You are a much better man than I am. I probably would have told Meredith what she wanted to hear. Hell, I have needs."

"Trust me Shep, so do I. But it's not about what she wants to hear."

He paused and wiped his brow, "I feel pretty lucky, because everything else is great. We share meals, talk, go out, everything is back the way that it was...hell, maybe even better. She talks to me about a lot more now."

"I'm sure your patience will pay off." Derek noted.

Owen picked up his driver and placed a ball on the tee, "Well, we are somewhat physical."

Derek didn't say anything, he just watched Owen hit the ball and waited for him to finish his thought.

"Damn, hooked it…" he sighed.

Finally he turned to Derek and said, "I think that the hurt she feels from the cheating and the loss she felt with the abortion all culminate when we begin to get intimate. It happens fast too. Like throwing a switch."

Derek nodded, "Like I said, I'm sure your patience will pay off."

"Probably more information than you wanted huh?"

"Little bit, yeah."

"Let's just swing."

"Good deal."

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><p>Owen went home that night to Cristina. He made spaghetti while she sat at the counter. They talked about their day. They cleaned up dinner and sat in front of the television to watch Jay Leno. Cristina got up and got ready for bed then returned to the couch. Owen gave her the remote, kissed her head, got himself ready for bed and returned to kiss her goodnight.<p>

His kiss lingered longer and longer every night, but if he touched her body she froze. Tonight was no different.

He pulled back the comforter and drifted to sleep listening to the sound of channel surfing.

Tonight had been a typical night. He was frustrated by the distance, but he had come to accept it. Cristina's hot and cold attitude toward intimacy had been becoming colder by the day. He carried on…steady and unwavering…praying that someday she might join him in bed.

But he wasn't about to bet on it.

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><p>It was the most horrible thing Cristina had ever had to do.<p>

"_Mr. and Mrs. Jeffery's, I'm sorry but despite all our efforts we were unable to save him. He died."_

She said it the same way she always did, same rehearsed compassion, same soft voice, but deep down she was dying inside.

The parents did what parents always do, they looked at her in shock and asked "What?" more times than she could count.

Then the wife got angry with her and shouted. The husband cried. They collapsed on each other and eventually sat down holding onto each other for dear life.

Cristina did what she always did, she stayed with them until they forgot she was there.

Then she ran. Literally, ran to the locker room and locked the door behind her.

Her breathing was so deep that it was difficult to control. She felt trapped and scared.

But she was a doctor, she knew what this was and what to do about it, so she pushed her emotions aside long enough to control her breath and begin to clear her mind. _This will pass…_

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><p>Owen finished sewing up the tiny chest. Teddy had offered but he said he would do it. This case would live in his memory as one of the worst.<p>

A car accident had brought in the family, not 15 minutes after they left the hospital. They were on their way home with their new son, David, and a car driven by an elderly woman ran a red light at 55 miles an hour and plowed into their vehicle.

The rear of the van took the impact. The side that the car seat was in was the one that was struck. The parents were fine, medically at least. Just bumps, bruises, and scrapes, nothing more.

Owen, Arizona, Teddy, and Cristina had worked on the small child for 4 hours before Arizona had called time of death.

When the call was made, the surgeons looked at each other…as if trying to decide who drew the short straw and would have to inform the parents.

"I'll go," Cristina said.

"I'll go with you," Arizona stepped away and tore of her mask, but just then her pager beeped.

"Dr. Robbins it's the NICU, 911."

Arizona and Cristina shared a look for a moment before Cristina nodded, "It's okay, I got it."

Owen was surprised and somewhat hurt about the ease that Cristina seemed to be taking this. He knew, however, that she was not as cold as she came off.

The room emptied as everyone except Owen and Teddy left.

"I'll sew him up Owen, you go take a break."

He shook his head, "No…no I'll do it. His parents may want to see him."

Teddy nodded and left, she knew him well enough to know that Owen needed to be left alone right now.

So Owen was left to sew up the tiny chest, disconnect the wires, and pull out the tubes. When he was finished he wiped the blood from David's body and wrapped him in a blanket from the nursery.

The parents were still in the waiting room, sitting with their foreheads together.

Owen approached them and crouched down.

"Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Jeffery's?" he spoke quietly.

The man looked up.

"Would you like to see him?"

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><p>Cristina's panic attack had passed. She unlocked the door before she went into the bathroom to splash some water on her face.<p>

Then she left. Got on her motorcycle and went home. She climbed the stairs and collapsed into bed. Owen's bed. Her bed had been the couch for the past three weeks.

Collapsing on the bed instead of the couch may have been her fatal error. She could smell him. He was everywhere.

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><p>"Hunt?"<p>

Owen looked up from his paperwork to see Teddy approaching him.

"Have you seen Cristina? I haven't seen her since she left the OR. She is supposed to perform an angioplasty in a twenty minutes and the patient isn't even prepped yet."

Owen looked at her in confusion, "I haven't seen her. Did you page her?"

"Uhh yeah, and I used the intercom."

Owen shrugged, "I don't know what to tell you."

Teddy sighed, "I'll get Avery to do it…you off now?"

Owen nodded as he closed the chart he was working on and stacked in neatly in its place.

"Well, good job today. Tell Cristina too if you ever find her. It was a tough one."

"Yeah," Owen said as he forced a smile, "Have a nice weekend."

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><p>As Owen walked into the firehouse he felt relief. Cristina's motorcycle was parked in the garage. The engine was still ticking, so she couldn't have been home for long.<p>

As he walked up the stairs to the loft he couldn't hear anything. At first glance it didn't even look like Cristina was home. Then he saw a curled up lump in the bed. He walked over to the side closest to her and touched her hair.

"Cristina…"

She sniffed but didn't respond. Owen remained standing and tried again, "Cristina you missed your angio."

"Three days. That is all they had with their son. Three days. He never even got to see his home. That sucks, I mean," she paused to try and breathe through her tears, "it was like he never even existed."

Owen sat down slowly and stroked her hair, "We did everything we could, you and I both know that this world is cruel." His voice caught at the end even though he struggled to keep it even.

Cristina caught the infliction in his voice and broke down. Crying like she never had before.

Owen lay down on the bed and wrapped his arm around her, but she immediately fought his grip. He resisted, "Cristina it's okay let me hold you."

Her arms began to flail so he held her wrist tightly, "Cristina-"

"NO!"

She pushed herself off the bed with all her might and made a beeline to the bathroom where she locked the door.

Owen sat up on the bed and stared at the door with a dazed and confused expression on his face.

Owen leaned his head against the door and sighed, he had been knocking on the door and coaxing his wife to open it for the last hour.

"Cristina please open the door, I don't know what to do."

Cristina was sitting on the toilet seat lid clutching her stomach. The feeling of nausea had passed, finally.

She stood up to open the door and was met by Owen, who was running as if to knock it down. She backed out of the way immediately and Owen, with nothing to hold on to, crashed into the bathroom.

His hand reached out for the bathtub to break his fall and collapsed in a pile against it.

Cristina was frozen for a moment, looking to see if he was okay. He moaned and said ouch a few times, but eventually turned and rested his back against the tub. They looked at each other and Cristina started laughing.

Owen didn't. He stared at her with a sad expression.

Eventually her laughter continued, but as she spoke the laughter turned into unmistakable anguish, "That father today, he was so devastated. The mom was mad… she was screaming and yelling, but the father was just sad."

She paused and met his eyes, "I know you wanted our child. I understand that you were grieving. I wasn't good enough for you. You stood by me and understood what I needed, but I didn't do that for you, and Owen, I probably never will."

This time, Owen's tears were the ones to fall.

"Kids, a house with a fenced in yard, summer vacations at Disney World…that stuff is not for me. But it is for you," she looked at him sadly, "and you deserve the life you want."

Owen didn't say anything.

"We have been working on our love, but truthfully that was never the problem. I will love you for the rest of my life. That part is easy," she paused, "but the only way this works is if you give up everything you want, so that I can have everything I want, and Owen…that is not okay."

Owen looked down and summoned all of his strength, "I am willing to give you everything you want-"

"I know," Cristina snipped. More softly she continued, "But I am not going to let you."

Owen sat up straight and looked directly into her eyes, "I want you to imagine yourself without me."

Now it was Cristina's turn not to say anything.

"You keep trying to leave me. First because I cheated on you, and I can understand that. Now you are trying to leave me because you love me too much? Cristina stop! I love you. I don't know what else could possibly be more important. Do not fall on your sword for me. That won't help either of us."

Cristina's tears fell silently, "I want you to have children, I want you to have the life you deserve."

Owen sighed and looked at the ground and back up at her, "Imagine it."

Cristina looked away and wiped her eyes.

"Imagine me with my 'perfect life'." He paused to allow her time to think.

"Does it hurt? Does it hurt to think of me with another woman? With another woman's kids? With another woman in my bed? Does it hurt?,"

His voice became louder as he continued, "Because it hurts me! It hurts me to think of life without you, life with someone else. It hurts because it isn't right. You and me Cristina, WE ARE RIGHT."

Cristina's tears increased as she clutched her stomach.

"Owen- Owen they…" she was sobbing now. She felt the panic of earlier return with a vengeance.

He reached out a hand and placed it on her knee slowly. He wasn't sure what was happening in her head right now. The last week had been more hot and cold than he cared to think about, but this was unexpected and completely uncharacteristic.

Cristina did her best to slow her breath, but her sentences still came out in small bits, "He's gone…you didn't even meet him…you wanted him."

Owen let his tears fall with her when he thought of the child he never met, "I did."

Cristina looked over at him and he realized how terrible she looked. Her entire face was red and her eyes were swollen. He had gone through this feeling of guilt and loss long ago, maybe now Cristina was going through it.

"People think I am cold," Cristina continued through her tears, "my friends even think I am cold. They say it like it is a good thing…but they have no idea. I'm not. I am not cold when it comes to you…and I want you to have your life Owen, I want you to have your perfect life…and when I see you with your perfect family it will hurt like hell. But I can't give that to you so-"

"Stop."

Cristina took a ragged breath and looked down at him.

"You can give that to me. We can give that to each other. I am not going to try and convince you that you want to, but the simple fact is…we can have that. But it is your decision."

Cristina put her head back in her hands.

Owen pushed himself up off the floor and stood over her with his hand lightly touching her shoulder, "Come on, let's go sit on the couch. You need a glass of water."

She made no move to get up. So Owen gently lifted her up and led her to the couch. He poured her a glass of water and set it down on the coffee table. He sat on the couch facing her and touched her hand.

"Owen, I am afraid to have a child…for so many reasons. I know what I did was my right, but…" she paused and pulled away from his hand.

He put his hand back in his lap and braced himself. He expected her to say something about not wanting a child, or not wanting to lose her career.

Cristina exhaled, "you deserved so much more than what I gave you."

Owen tilted his head in confusion.

"You were his dad, and- and-" her tears began again.

"You keep saying his," Owen said quietly and looked away. "How far along were you? Did you know the sex?"

Cristina shook her head and muttered through tears, "No…just a guess."

Owen nodded, "I thought it was a boy too."

She turned to face him and saw the tears in his eyes. She reached out to hold his hand.

No words would ever fix this. No words would ever be enough. All she could do is hold his hand.

"I just don't want you to hate me. How could you not? What if we have a child?" she asked quietly. "How is this next child better or more deserving of life than the last? Why would this one get to live while I decided the other one didn't?"

Owen shook his head, "If we decide to have a family Cristina we would have to move past this. The child we lost is the only reason we are talking about this right now, we have to believe that there is a greater purpose…"

Cristina rolled her eyes.

"I'm not talking about God necessarily but- just- I mean there is a reason things happen."

Cristina looked up, "I am not good enough for you."

Cristina stayed silent for a while, so Owen decided to break the silence.

"There was a time that I was no good for you. Remember?"

Cristina nodded.

"I wanted nothing more that to have you in my life. I had hurt you so badly in every way possible, but I still wanted you."

Cristina allowed herself a small smile, "Take care now…"

Owen smiled in response, "Yeah…I loved you so much that I had to come up with words to protect you…but I guess my point was that you were so important to me that I changed."

Cristina rested her head on her hand, she was exhausted. Owen handed her the glass of water and continued as she sipped it slowly.

"Cristina…before the ambush I was a gung-ho soldier, a stud…best at everything I did. It all came easy to me. I knew all the medicine, all the tactics, all the leadership skills. Asking for help wasn't something I did, it was what others came to me for."

He paused and took a sip from her glass before putting it back on the coffee table.

"After the ambush I tried to be that guy. Deep down I knew I couldn't…but I never had a reason to change. Until I met you. You were my reason…hell, you probably saved my life."

Cristina was starting to understand where he was going with this.

"I miss who I was, I miss being a bad ass that no one would mess with. I miss being the best…but you are more important. You saved me, and for that…I changed. You think I wanted kids when I was in the desert? Hell, I hated when Beth talked about that. I never wanted kids until I met you."

"The love we have together made me want a family. The way you looked at me when we would make love…Cristina there is no way I can put that kind of emotion into words."

He paused and took another sip of water, "So I think the decision you need to make is not will you change but…. am I worth you changing for? Do you love me enough to think about having room for my life in yours?"

The words themselves were rough and callous, but the tone in which he said them softened their blow. She considered all he had said; life without him, watching him with someone else, someone else building a family with him. It almost made her sick to think about it.

She swallowed and took a deep breath, "I am sorry I hurt you."

Owen took her hand in his and placed his other hand on her shoulder, "Me too."

She continued, "I can't promise anything right now because I am a wreck…"

He squeezed her shoulder and let her continue.

"But if you would have walked out that door when I told you to, I would have been devastated." She grasped his hand like it was a lifeline, "Please don't leave."

Owen kissed her temple and smoothed her hair, "I won't, you can trust me. I won't leave you."

Owen paused before he asked his next words because he wanted to be sure she was listening, "But will you leave me?"

Cristina kissed his hand and looked up at his eyes, "No."

Owen looked down and swallowed hard, "You have already tried a couple times," he paused, "I'll go all in. But I don't want to get hurt either."

His voice was raspy as he was trying to control his emotions. Cristina was in an unusual place…she was the one doing the reassuring. So she did the thing that helped her the most when she felt vulnerable, she kissed him.

The kiss was soft at first, but when Owen let out the breath that he had been holding a painful moan came with it, and Cristina deepened the kiss, trying to absorb the pain he felt.

His hands wrapped around her body and held her tightly. His touch was not light and hesitant, but strong and desperate. His hands moved from her back to either side of her face as he pulled her lips from his.

Cristina resisted at first, but when he made eye contact she stopped. His gaze showed pain, weakness, need, desire…

It was her turn to exhale in pain, "Owen-"

He crushed her lips to hers and pulled her onto his lap. His kisses were deep and rough and his nails scraped against her skin underneath her shirt. His touch conveyed one simple message: _I need you_.

She reached underneath his shirt to touch his skin. It was her way of giving him permission, and he took it. He lifted her shirt and his mouth latched on to her skin.

His tongue and teeth moved quickly over her skin while he flattened his palm and pressed it down between her breasts.

Cristina moaned and reached for his pants, and she was able to undo the button and zipper before he pressed her down into the couch. His breath was ragged as he continued to kiss her neck. His hand, frustrated with the zipper on her pants, pulled hard at the fabric.

Cristina heard the fabric tear and arched her back to allow Owen to push her pants down. Then with a flick of his wrist he shoved her panties to the side, and positioned himself between her legs. Then he paused.

His hand splayed out along the side of her face and his eyes searched hers for any doubt. He saw none. His voice was hoarse but his words were strong, "I love you."

He pushed into her slowly and deliberately. Cristina arched her hips into his. He pushed her pants lower and she kicked them off of her feet, then she wrapped her legs around his back and locked her ankles together.

Owen buried his face in her neck and breathed in her scent. His hands gripped the couch and he pushed into her deeper and faster over, and over again. Her back arched and her legs pulled themselves apart as he felt himself beginning to lose control.

Cristina felt him harden and squeezed herself tightly around him. "Please-" her voice was small, "please don't stop."

Owen looked into her eyes and it pushed him over the edge. As he came his finger brushed against Cristina and he brought her with him.

He collapsed on her, laying his head on her chest. She held onto him tightly as she caught her breath.

Neither moved for an immeasurable amount of time, they just listened to the others' breathing.

Owen moved his head and rested his chin between her breasts. She stared down at him.

"Are you back on the pill?" he asked quietly.

Cristina shook her head and stroked his hair.

"Do I need to make a run to the drug store?" his voice gave no hint of judgement.

She shook her head again.

Owen sat up and brought her with him.

"Cristina- I didn't mean right now. I want you to be sure."

She took a deep breath, and pulled herself closer to him.

"Look- we're not_ trying_… but I am willing to take a risk this time."

He looked at her with his head tilted. His face expressed a slight fear.

Cristina rolled her eyes and smiled, "I'm answering you Owen. Yes. Okay? Yes, you are worth it."

His face broke out into a grin.

Cristina shook her head unable to maintain eye contact, but inside she was thrilled to see the joy on his face after so many months of nothing but pain. "Seriously, I had to spell that out for you?"

He kissed her through his smile, "Come on, admit it…I'm adorable when I'm slow."

She chuckled and accepted his quick kiss, "Okay I get that you are happy, but we are not _trying_."

Owen shook his head, unable to rid himself of his smile, "No… no, we would never do such a crazy thing."

They sat their grinning at each other like "idiots" (or at least that is what Cristina thought), before Owen stood up and pulled her up with him.

"Come on," he said.

"Where are we going?" Cristina asked in mock annoyance.

Owen grinned, "Food. You gave me a workout."

Cristina grinned, "Can I at least put on a pair of pants that zip?"

In response, Owen picked her up and slung her over his shoulder as he began to walk towards the stairs.

"Owen! I'm half naked…put me down!" Her voice was loud, but Owen could hear the smile underneath the insistence.

Owen grinned and started to descend the stairs.

"Owen…Owen…OWEN!"

As he reached the landing he put her down on the stair above it and leaned over her, "You know what…I think I need to burn a few more calories before we gorge ourselves with spring rolls…"

Cristina smiled and touched her nose to his, "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

His lips descended on hers again, but this time... he took his time.

* * *

><p><strong>That is all she wrote for this one guys! I have a couple ideas for different ones, but we will have to see where the storyline goes. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me on this story. Your reviews have kept me going! <strong>

**Hope you liked it! **


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